


Paper Hearts

by special_nay



Series: Paper Hearts Series [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Disability, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-15 22:13:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16072409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/special_nay/pseuds/special_nay
Summary: Being married for 3 years, they never once exchange the ‘I love you’ words. Baekhyun, at one side, is mute. Chanyeol, on the other side, simply doesn’t feel it.





	1. Prologue

> “When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time — the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers.”
> 
> — John Irving, _A Prayer for Owen Meany_
> 
>  
> 
> _***_

 

**C** hanyeol pushes open the reddish brown door by his shoulder while one of his hands holds a briefcase and the other already busy loosening the tight knot of his tie. He undoes two upper buttons of his white shirt and allows his neck to get some cracks on each side; it helps to relax his muscles and reduces the tiredness he feels all over his body. Work had been hectic this past week and only today he allowed himself to get home early, a little bonus for his own hard work. Dragging his almost numb feet to his bedroom upstairs, he had no plan other than to take a quick shower then sleep, or taking nap while spending long session of a hot bath. As always. Like his usual daily routine every day, every boring day for three fucking years.

The tall man stops on his track as he feels something under his shoes. He removes his foot to see red coloured origami paper folded into a shape of a heart on the floor. Bending down, he picks it up. _It is Baekhyun’s_ , he automatically recognizes as his eyes already travels across the room, expecting to find the sight of the small male with honey hair and a pair of small eyes made into crescents every time he greeted Chanyeol home with that bright smile of his, or at least to detect the smell of coffee the male always makes for Chanyeol. Yet, nothing to be found. The fact makes his eyebrows subconsciously knitted together.

_Where is he?_

Putting aside his aching muscles screaming for bed, Chanyeol makes his way toward the kitchen which is connected to a small garden at the back of the house. For all he knows, Baekhyun likes to spend most of his time there, if not in the ceiling room.

And there he is. Through the sliding glass door, Chanyeol can see the narrow back of his husband. The small guy was watering his flowers, every now and then he would free one of his hand and move it in the air while swaying his body subtly to each side rhythmically. That seems like his way of singing and dancing. Chanyeol stands there for few more minutes longer than he intended to, slightly amused just by looking at his small husband happily gives each shower for his plants. There are so many flowers more than Chanyeol can count (not that he would actually count); red, white and yellow roses are blossoming, so do orchids, aster, and many other flowers he doesn’t know the name of. Baekhyun still sometimes sways his head slowly to his left and right soundlessly, still oblivious of Chanyeol’s presence. Not until he turns to shower a part of the garden near the doorway where Chanyeol is standing.

For a moment, Chanyeol sees those caramel eyes widen as they meet his. Then comes a curve of the smile of his thin, yet rich pink lips, eyes almost disappeared into two crescents. The smaller immediately waves and skips his way toward Chanyeol.

Baekhyun puts his palm up and presses the pinky side against his chest. _Welcome home,_ he says happily, or so it seems if his cheery smile could be any indicator. Too cheery. Chanyeol replies with a nod and affected, barely visible smile.

_Do you want a cup of coffee?_ Baekhyun asks again quickly, and Chanyeol can only see the letter C his fingers made hanging in the mid-air to know what his husband means. Or rather, he doesn’t need anything to understand it anymore since Baekhyun always asks him the same thing every time he comes back home. Always. And without actually waiting for Chanyeol’s answer, the shorter male already shoulders his way toward the kitchen cabinet, to where he pulls out the white mug Chanyeol always opt to use and a jar of ground Arabica beans.

As the familiar warm scent of coffee steams in the air, Chanyeol drags his exhausted legs toward the living room. Scattered on the coffee table is a pile of mails on top of a brown package. Chanyeol briefly examines them and finds none for himself, all the envelopes, including a letter from someone named Kim Jongdae, two catalogues, and medium-sized brown package have Baekhyun’s name on the recipient address.

It’s not something new. Baekhyun gets mails weekly, mostly after buying items online. At one glance, Chanyeol knows at once the brand name of the sender on both the package and catalogues. _Shirt again?_ He wonders. Because Baekhyun rarely goes outside, he doesn’t need it much but he keeps buying anyway. Chanyeol brushes it off as a housewife- or in this case househusband problem.

The said male announces his coming by soft thud of his steps and faint noise of ceramic against wooden table as he places the mug of coffee in front of Chanyeol, smiling. He always smiles. No matter how bad Chanyeol day was, or how wrecked he looks every time he steps into the house, the same bright smile always greets him.

The smile he unconsciously takes for granted.

Before the smaller can retreat back to his garden, Chanyeol pulls gently on the thin wrist, earning himself a shocked expression on Baekhyun’s face for few seconds before Chanyeol’s hand move to his palm and puts down an object onto his opened palm. The red paper heart.

“It’s yours, right?”

Baekhyun sits down. Either Chanyeol notices or not, there was a flash of hesitation in his eyes while he chews on his lower lip.

_Did you open it?_ Baekhyun asks with slow and patient hand gestures, even after 3 years with him, Chanyeol still knows so little about sign language.

“No. Of course no.”

Chanyeol smiles. He is a person who respects privacy, surely he would not touch anything that wasn’t his. Yet, to his unknown unfortunate, he misses the disappointed glint in Baekhyun’s eyes despite the smile he offers back.

How he wish Chanyeol did open it.

 


	2. 1/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like dominoes, I fall for you, and you for another...

 

> "Because you never think about the clock in corner of your room. You'd think it will always be there, counting time. But one day it stops counting... and gone.
> 
>  

If ever anyone —  family, business relatives, or even friends (which aren’t close enough) ever said that their marriage indeed the ideal marriage of the year, that they are everything every couple could hope for, fairy-tale romantic and all other bullshit, Chanyeol thinks otherwise. Their marriage is everything but perfect, it is built by wealth, looks, names... but not love. Never love. Yes, even for a hopeless romantic like Chanyeol, he still thinks that love is everything it needed in a relationship, in a marriage. But here he is, trapped in a big mess they call a family. For him, his marriage is a nothing but a huge mistake.

Baekhyun, he barely knew the small male when he stood with him side by side on the altar. He didn’t know what foods he liked and what he disliked when he said his vow to love Baekhyun for the rest of his life. They hardly ever exchanged a conversation when he slipped a ring into his delicate finger. He was a complete stranger for Chanyeol, yet he did marry him and brought their lips to come in contact for the first time.

It all was just a mistake. Schemes he must blame on his family. Yeah, he did this all just for his poor parents. Their business had collapsed little by little since a few years back after the betrayal of an uncle. The money crisis in the industry didn't help either, only becoming another slap in their company. Chanyeol did all his might to restraint, to crawl back up again, but it wasn’t enough. Until one day, he saw a man around his father’s age on his father’s office. The man was introduced as Mr Byun, his father’s best friend from college, and also… his soon to be father in law.

No one asked his opinion if he rather agrees or not. In fact, all the choice he had was to agree for all the reasons. His family was failing and falling, and this friend of his father would help if only they would be engaged by blood. By marriage.

“You have grown up so well, Chanyeol-ah,” the man, small and slightly plump said with a friendly smile while patting Chanyeol on the shoulder. “I remember when you were still a teenager, you were skinny back then,” he laughed.

Chanyeol just smiled, slightly wide enough only to pass the rudeness, trying his best not to show the sign that he couldn’t remember at all the plump man. He was careless back then, and still is.

“Baekhyun would really like playing with you in those old days. He was crying so much and stopped eating when you had to leave.”

And who the hell is Baekhyun?

“Chanyeol, you remember Baekhyun, right?” His father joined, smiling just as wide as his friend. “You and him are going to get married soon.”

The moment he met Baekhyun, it was in a small café in the suburb area of Seoul the other guy had chosen. Chanyeol had no idea why would he choose a café so far from the city. Well, he was greeted by an incredible view of trees and mountains from the windows and fresh air, not to mention the peaceful surrounding as there were no other noises like he used to hear in Seoul, but still… He came late, cursing all the way for he had come reluctantly. If it was any other situation, he might have not come at all. But there’s that invisible load on his shoulders, something that could only be lifted by this Baekhyun guy.

When he stepped in, though, he saw no one but a small figure back-facing him. His hair was the colour of honey, looked so soft, highlighted by the morning sunrays forming a halo above his head. He was wearing a button up neck white wool sweater which seemed too big for his petite body. All the sight made it look like as if he was an angel. And when he turned around with all the glory of his smile, Chanyeol’s heart skipped a beat.

“I’m sorry for coming late,” he greeted unsurely.

He was wondering why such a beauty had a problem to get married. He was cute and incredibly gorgeous, even looked so much innocent. With his pouty cherry pink lips, button small nose, small eyes that remind Chanyeol of puppies, and milky white skin glowing under the morning sunlight. All about him spelt angel’s name. He came from a wealthy family. And his father said he was smart too, Chanyeol could see that through the sparks in his eyes. Why Chanyeol, then? Everyone must want a piece of him and he could just pick one of them out. Then the answer came as Baekhyun started to move his fingers gracefully in the air, still smiling, still without any sound. Chanyeol didn’t understand what he was saying, but he understood what it was.

He was mute.

 

***

 

Chanyeol can hear the sound through the splash of water from the shower. It was a song played pretty loud. His favourite song. It kept on repeating for at least three times now. And as he turns off the shower, the song even much more audible, not that he minds. He wraps the towel around his waist and another to dry his hair before makes his way back into their shared bedroom, unconsciously humming to the beat.

He has half expected that, honestly. When he enters the room, the song became too loud for his ears. He quickly strides to his bed to turn off the music on his phone then looks at Baekhyun who stares back at him with his droopy eyes get widened. The thin, pink bottom lip gets chewed and worried look on the other’s eyes.

 _Did I play the wrong song?_ He asks, his fists glued to his chin with his thumb and pinky finger on either side before he drops it and looks down to his laps, but averts his eyes back to Chanyeol every now and then.

The taller, can’t help but smile, kneeling beside the bed so he and Baekhyun become in the same eye-level. “How do you know my favourite song?” He asks back slowly, making sure Baekhyun can read his lips.

It makes the smaller finally smiles, a slight hint of blush forms on both of his cheeks.

_I saw on your playlist you like to play this one._

That one is slightly hard to interpret, but with Baekhyun gesturing to his phone screen, it doesn’t take Chanyeol too long to put two and two together.

“You don’t have to do that, but thanks.” Out of affection, he places his hand on top of Baekhyun’s head, ruffling his soft, honey coloured hair.

The later just looks down, blush tints the soft of his cheeks. It is cute. It is undeniably cute that Chanyeol can’t even hold himself when he uses his fingers to gently lift Baekhyun’s chin up, before he leans in to lock their lips together. A peck turns into a chaste kiss. A chaste kiss slowly melts into a passionate one. In no time, it burns their insides. Lust boiling in the pit of their stomach as tongues find each other and skin brushes against another desperately.

Then, just like some other good nights they sometimes shared, before knowing it, there are already moans, there are hands touching each other, there are lips sucking here and there, living marks that will leave Baekhyun smiles for days. Soon enough they get rid of the last garments suddenly too irritating to wrap around their bodies and snuggles in bed with Chanyeol hovering over Baekhyun, kissing his sensitive areas real good that the other arches his back and digs his nails on Chanyeol’s shoulders.

When Chanyeol enters him slowly, passionately, when they move in sync into faster speed and comes together for two times that night, it was as if their marriage is, indeed perfect.

 

***

 

“You’re going to marry Chanyeol. That Chanyeol you used to play with when you were little.”

That night, Baekhyun could not sleep. He tossed around and bit his lips hard he was surprised it wasn’t bleeding. Chanyeol… Chanyeol… Chanyeol was all in his thoughts. He remembered Chanyeol, he remembered him well, knew him well in his memories just like the back of his hand. The lanky teenager who was taller than he has to even in his 15th years old. Baekhyun was 13 that time, lonely and had no friends. He didn’t go to school, not after constant bullies he always got since he was kindergarten to elementary. So, when Chanyeol popped up in front of his door with a white rose on his hand, smiling so bright it put the sun to shame, the smaller couldn’t help himself but found his first love right there and then.

Even after ten years, his feeling never changed. Chanyeol was his first and only crush. Even they had only spent ten days together and never once met again, even a horrible feeling of Chanyeol’s reaction to meet him later kept eating him up, Baekhyun had melted into a puddle of goo just by thinking of the owner of the name. He almost couldn't sleep all night and the next morning, his eyes had a large eyebags and his cheeks hurt from too much smiling.

Until the day he met Chanyeol again for the first time. Chanyeol appeared to be tall, taller than he remembers, his skinny figure had gone, replaced by built body shape, the outline of his toned arms and abdomen could be seen through his dark grey shirt. His hair was jet black, styled into a coma and he smelled like expensive white musk. Baekhyun allowed himself a nervous smile while his heart racing, he was left with no choice but to fall for Chanyeol, again, for reasons he couldn’t even describe. Maybe it was his big beautiful eyes? Maybe his straight nose or plump lips? Maybe his appearance. Or maybe just the fact alone that he was Park Chanyeol, his ten years crush, his soon to be husband.

But as soon as he greeted him back, and saw to strange look, the unrecognition in Chanyeol’s eyes, he knew immediately that his heart had crushed down the floor. He wondered if only he was able to hear anything, would he hear his own heart breaking?

Chanyeol didn’t remember him.

 

***

 

Chanyeol knows well he can’t all blame his family for his mistake, for his marriage. He was a man grown when the deal was sealed. He could ruin it beforehand. He could do any action to cancel the marriage, if only he was willing. But Chanyeol was meeting his death. He was hopeless and dejected. He thought it was okay, anything could be done to him since his world had been over, anyway. His world had left him. His world in the form of a tall pale male who always walks with his chin raised up and his ego on top of everyone else, the top hot model, Oh Sehun. Yes, he was Chanyeol’s world. He still is.

The model had left him for his career, knowing if he only stayed in Korea, and got married to Chanyeol, he wouldn’t be near anything he is now, on the top-list of International models. But now that he got what he was dreaming of, he is back. Sehun is back and Chanyeol has no clue how he is supposed to feel.

“Well, where’s my hug?” Sehun tilts his head and gets up from his seat on the edge of Chanyeol’s office table to step closer to the latter. With eyes locked together, the model immediately wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s neck, whose words are stuck in his throat at the moment. “Don’t you miss me?”

Sehun casually showed up After three years of leaving, without any little trace of guilt in his confident voice, few minutes ago in his office. There was no apologizes, just Sehun throwing his arms around him saying how he missed Chanyeol.

Sighing, Chanyeol finds his strength to pushes Sehun slightly off himself, though his arms still lingered on Chanyeol’s shoulders. “I’m married,” he finally manages to say, showing Sehun his ringed finger.

The younger doesn’t budge. It is not Oh Sehun if he would let himself to bawl his eyes out when he heard about Chanyeol’s wedding almost three years back then. He almost did, though, but he won’t admit so. The top model just keeps staring into Chanyeol’s dark orbs, searching again the very same eyes that used to look at him with sparks, with softness and adoration. And… even it is faded now, he still finds them.

“Does that mean you don’t love me anymore, then?”

Upon not getting any answer from the taller sitting before him, Sehun gently cups Chanyeol’s cheeks, feeling the taller tenses.

“Tell me you have a happy family now and you don’t want to see me again, Chanyeol. Then I will go.”

When Chanyeol just looks at him, lips quavering but no words escape his lips, Sehun leans in and closes the distance between them, filling Chanyeol’s slightly parted lips with his.

 

***

 

He knew Sehun for half his life. They went to the same junior to precise senior high school. They started dating at college, though there was no confession from any of the two. They just started going out, and eventually had the same agreement that they were in a relationship. Sehun had always been the center of attention with his god-like looks, and he loved that spotlight about him. It was indeed his intention to be someone adored by many. He dreamt to be a model ever since the high school days, and Chanyeol couldn’t do less than support him and being the one to adore him the most.

Sehun was his best friend, his first love, his everything. So when he raised up the matter of the marriage his father had arranged him into and asked Sehun to go with him to his father and make their own marriage, only to be getting rejected by the younger without so much of thought, Chanyeol felt not only his heart shattered, but also his world.

“I’m half my way to reach my dream Chanyeol, you know that. The dream I had crawled with my sweat and tears for years already! I can’t give it up, I won’t. Not even for you,” The blonde said, barely looking into Chanyeol's direction.

The latter let out a heavy sigh, his shoulders automatically slumped and his head was about to burst from a headache. “I know… but honey, we still can do that? Get married and I will support your entire career. It’s just… now or never.”

Sehun looked at him in the eyes, still lacking of emotion as he slowly shook his head. “We can’t,” he whispered. “You know it can’t be.”

“Sehun… “ Chanyeol held his hand tight as if he was holding to dear life, and it was so, more or less. And when Sehun pulled his hand back in order to get free himself from Chanyeol, the other knew it was their end.

“I’m going to France next week, Channie,” Sehun whispered just as he took a step forward passing Chanyeol. “Congratulation on your marriage.”

Just as how it began, their story ended without a word.

 

***

 

If Baekhyun is not in the garden, Chanyeol knows where will the small male be. He pushes the tiny, square, wooden door up to the small room in their bedroom ceiling gently, even though it is unnecessary. Baekhyun can’t hear a thing, anyway.

He had to climb up a ladder pinned against the shelves of books leaning along one side of the walls to get up here. The room is half the size of their bedroom, with a low ceiling and many windows. One part of the wall is diagonal, consisted of two big windows that allow a rich amount of sunrays to lite the room. On the two other parts of the room stand other shelves of books, much shorter than the ones under. And in the middle, on the carpeted floor is a small, round, short-legged table. Baekhyun sits on the rug in front of the table, a glass jar stands in between lots of colourful origami papers scattered around. His tiny husband, back-facing him, seems busy writing something in one of the papers. Chanyeol never knows what does he write in those paper hearts. He feels curious at times, yes, but it’s Baekhyun’s privacy, Baekhyun’s world that he is sure Baekhyun doesn’t want Chanyeol to get involved.

As Chanyeol quickly steps closer, he sees Baekhyun begins to fold his paper, into a shape Chanyeol doesn’t need to guess anymore.

Baekhyun loves to make paper hearts. Chanyeol found it a few months after their marriage after Baekhyun showed it himself. That night, he pulled Chanyeol by hand and dragged him up the ceiling Chanyeol never even been at, weird, because it is his house and his bedroom after all. But Chanyeol is nothing if not careless. Baekhyun had asked him to make the empty room into a small library of his and here they are now. His small husband must have magic hands to turn an empty lifeless room into a warm, comfortable hiding place like it is right now.

Chanyeol taps Baekhyun softly on the shoulder, making the smaller quickly turns to see him. And smiles. Baekhyun always smiles at him.

“What are you doing?” Chanyeol knows he doesn’t need an answer, he can see it clearly. But oh well, he sucks at making conversation, anyway.

Happily, Baekhyun lifts up the green half-shaped heart in front of him. Heart. Hearts. He always makes hearts even though Chanyeol's sure he knows to make other shapes as well.

“How many hearts you got already?” Chanyeol nudges his chin in the direction of the jar, where colourful hearts fill more than half the space already.

Baekhyun shrugs, diligently shaking his head. _Don’t know_.

“Don’t you want to make it a thousand? Like a thousand origami and your wish will come true.”

Baekhyun stalls for a moment, his glance locked with Chanyeol’s. That innocent brown eyes, so bright and full of daylight. Chanyeol almost kisses him right there, out of instinct, when the smaller finally speaks up again. Beautiful fingers dance gracefully before Chanyeol's sight. They make a curve in front of Baekhyun’s chest and he drags them down slowly in the air, Chanyeol amazes at how beautiful the way Baekhyun talks in that language of his he almost missed what the male is trying to tell him. Or maybe he did.

_My wish had come true. I could not wish for more._

Chanyeol blinks. He mentally groans for understanding nothing. “What did you say?” He asks, feeling so dumb.

But Baekhyun just shrugs and smiles.

 _Let’s have dinner? I cooked your_ _favourite dish._

 

***

 

 **Will you come home early today?**   **:'** **)**

Seen at 05.14pm

 

**Hm. Just need to finish some stuff first.**

Sent at 05.17pm

 

**I’ll be waiting then ~ Go home quickly and safely! ^_^v**

Sent at 05.18pm

 **I miss you....** (deletedeletedeletedeletedeletedelete)

.

**Do you have extra work again?**

Sent at 08.40pm

 

Sehun stares at the message on Chanyeol’s phone. The other male just excused himself to the bathroom. Being Sehun he is, he believes that there is no privacy between him and Chanyeol, no, Chanyeol always lets him know everything, do everything. So, not knowing what to reply, he just shrugs it off and neutralizes Chanyeol’s phone back to its place on the bar where Chanyeol left it, as if there was no message at all ever came.

He had come at the right time Chanyeol had just finished his work and ready to go home. Or at least that what he thought he planned to do a moment before Sehun casually barged in and slammed their lips together.

“I missed you, Chan,” he smiles his modest, exclusive smile. A smile can only be done by someone who knows he has the world wrapped around his fingers.

 

***

 

Baekhyun paces between the living room and the dining room. He started it beaming when he cooked Chanyeol favourite dishes and one new dish he just learned from his weekly cooking class. He ended up spending more than two hours cooking with all the dishes he made, sweating and yet smiling, expending another hour to take shower and make himself look… proper[ to have a dinner with his husband. Tonight is special.

Tonight is their 3rd anniversary.

The fact, nonetheless eats him up with anxiety, making him fidgets on the hem of his warm rose pink colour turtleneck sweater and chews his lips. It’s about the right time to tell Chanyeol, to give him the surprise he might be waiting for all this time, or probably not, Baekhyun is still not sure. But his uncertainty isn't last until it is too late and still there is no sign of his husband’s Audy on their yard, nor his tired, yet handsome face on the doorstep. Anxiety turns into worry.

The problem is, he had texted him again once, and there is no reply until now. Baekhyun knows Chanyeol isn’t the type to stick with his phone and reply immediately so he tries to calm down himself from the urge to text the giant incessantly. No, he doesn’t want to be annoying. He doesn’t want his presence to be a load for Chanyeol, no more than he already is.

So he just waits and waits and waits. Playing with the hem of his sweater, reading a book, watching television, until making his paper hearts again, none seems to be able to distract him. Eventually, the honey-hair male falls asleep in the living room, with origami papers scattered around him and dishes in the dining room, cold and untouched.

 

***

 

Chanyeol knows what he is doing is wrong. In the back of his mind, with all the remnant of his sense, it keeps screaming ‘WRONG’ to him. He is married now, to Byun Baekhyun. Baekhyun, who is at home now, possibly watering his flowers or watch drama he can’t hear in the TV, just stares intensely and smiles that shy smile every time the scenes being a little too intimate. And the male sitting on his lap now, strangling his legs on both sides of Chanyeol’s waist with arms draped around Chanyeol’s neck is not Byun Baekhyun. He wants to refuse, he wants to push Sehun off. But like the other times, he isn’t able to. Just when Sehun forces his tongue inside Chanyeol’s mouth, stirring the kiss into a needy one, again, just like any other time before, he loses his control.

Maybe… he loves Sehun that much he can’t ever say no to him. Maybe it’s because he loves Sehun that much he can’t love his legal husband just as the small innocent guy deserves. Or maybe, he is just used to this. Being Sehun’s puppy ever since they were still so young. Sehun will always be the one in control, and Chanyeol, will just trail after him. Being Sehun’s poor, kicked, stupid puppy. And probably a toy. Sehun's ragged toy.

They both drown in the heat of the kiss, not realizing the presence of another pair of eyes behind the slightly opened door, frozen, shocked and hurt. For a few seconds, they linger at the scene too vivid to be just a nightmare, until the owner feels too suffocated to watch it any longer. Baekhyun runs away.

He runs and runs and runs. The moment his legs no longer fit to escape further, he falls on the hard ground. The air is caught in his throat, leaving him breathless, eyes stinging and blurry from the steam of tears he can’s top, while his knees scraped and bleeding. By now he knows he is already far outside Chanyeol’s office building. The hamper he brought with a hopeful thought that maybe, just maybe Chanyeol will like to have lunch with him and his cooking is now nowhere in his trembling hand. He doesn’t know where and when did it slip off.

All he knows is the unfamiliar pain he is feeling. His chest tightens, and his throat dry, something had blocked the air supply to his lungs, suffocates him, choking him in an indescribable agony. The pang in his heart he thought he used to feel, only now it is a thousand times worse.

Falling in love with Chanyeol is hard. Chanyeol is perfect; tall, handsome, smart, and everything while he is anything but. Deep inside, he knows Chanyeol does not, cannot, will not, never once, and will never ever love him just as he loves Chanyeol. But stupid one always has a little hope in his chest. Day by day witnessing the hopeless hope, that someday… something those pair of plum cherry lips will tell him that he loves him. That he loves Baekhyun too.

Even at the back of his head, Baekhyun knows who is in Chanyeol’s heart all this time.

 

***

 

There was a room in the house Baekhyun never entered… well, yet. It was Chanyeol’s office room, where Chanyeol would spend the majority of his little time at home beside their shared bedroom. The room was now slightly opened just as Chanyeol left it not an hour prior in a rush. He grabbed the door handle and was about to pull it close when he caught the sight of papers scattered on the floor. Well, Chanyeol must have been really in a rush because he wasn’t the type of person who would leave things in a mess. Instead, Baekhyun stepped in, immediately picked up the papers and places them back neatly on the table.

He didn’t quickly escort himself out of the room after, in lieu of that, he lingered. His slender fingers lightly touched the surface of the wooden table to stop at a small photo frame, the picture inside was taken on their wedding day. Baekhyun smiled fondly to see his own expression at that priceless moment. He was close to tears, and never had he smile as he smiled that day. It was a better than a dream, closer to a fairy tale. He wore a nice white tuxedo and held a bucket of white roses and baby's breathe, witnessing with his own eyes the way all eyes were on him as he walked down the altar. Holding his breath, he watched the beautiful pair of his groom's lips spelt the magical words, the vow that he would cherish him until death do them apart. That he would love him through joy and tears. That he would love him. No one knew how much Baekhyun was holding all the vows Chanyeol said to his heart, clinging on them for dear life.

Baekhyun put back the frame after a while, half turning on his heel just when the corner of his eyes spotted something poked out from inside the drawer. When he pulled it out, turned out it was a picture, looking old and a little ripped on the edge, it looked as if the picture had been held too many times. But it wasn’t the condition that made Baekhyun’s throat tightened and blood froze in his vein.

In the picture was Chanyeol, the young version of him, probably when he was in his late teen. His arm snuck onto the waist of another boy snuggled close to him. And the boy was kissing Chanyeol’s on the cheek. It didn’t need a genius to figure out that their relationship was more than only friends. Baekhyun saw how happy the young Chanyeol looked, how he was practically radiating. The big smile Baekhyun had never seen in the months of their marriage. And to think that Chanyeol kept the picture on his desk, looking at it every time he was in this very room with longing eyes of his….

Baekhyun could not hear anything, he was practically deaf and mute since he was born. But somehow, that moment, he could hear his own heart crumbling.

 

***

 

“You know what, why don’t you just come clear with him and divorce?”

Sehun is standing in front of Chanyeol now, arms crossed and face flustered angrily after Chanyeol pushed him off of his lap, muttering “this is wrong” and “I’m married.”

Chanyeol looks at Sehun, abashed, as if Sehun has said something he never heard as ridiculous before. Then, slowly, the words seep in. Chanyeol shakes his head slowly.

“No…,” is all he can mutter. He doesn’t love Baekhyun that way, yes, and he feels enough like a jerk already. Baekhyun is such an angel, how can he break him further?

“It’s not only for you, for us, but for him too, Chanyeol. Face it, you don’t love him, so why don’t you let him go and find the love he deserves? With you holding him, it’s just making things worse.”

Chanyeol doesn’t answer. As much as he wants to believe that Sehun is just being selfish now to persuade him into divorce, he knows what Sehun said is indeed the truth. He does wrongs to Baekhyun, and he does it every day, by stopping him to get the love he deserves.

Just when he opens the door and ready to get out of the tormenting room and agonizing debates in his head, he almost trips on something on the floor. A hamper, blue-sky coloured and flowery motives he is so familiar with.

 

***

 

It’s been days and Sehun’s words still bother his mind, invading every now and then, distracting him all day, and by the end of the day, it will leave Chanyeol dizzy. He will always come back home feeling exhausted, boneless, both body and mind.

There still always the scent of coffee for him once he steps into his house. There’s still that sweet smile welcoming home. And if Chanyeol has a feeling that that smile is faltered from usual, he casually brushes off the thought, too dizzy to think.

Days go by, and it seems like Chanyeol still doesn’t know what he should do, if not more convinced to the divorce thingy that gives him even more restless nights. Until that evening.

“You’re sick?” Chanyeol drifts his gaze to examine Baekhyun who just gets out of the bathroom, looks paler much than he used to. Baekhyun wipes his mouth with the sleeves of his pyjama and shakes head. Chanyeol frowns, he thinks it was the sound of Baekhyun throwing up that pulled Chanyeol back from his sleep, but then again, he is still half awake so he can’t be sure. Though, the paleness…

He gets up and strides toward Baekhyun, placing his palm on the shorter male’s forehead, it’s damp with sweats.

Chanyeol offers him to go to the doctor which the smaller refuses with a gentle smile and subtle shake of head.

 _I am fine_ , Baekhyun assures him and so Chanyeol only nods.

When he sits himself alone in his office room at home, Chanyeol’s mind is busy again. Thinking about his small husband, and their tasteless marriage. Does Baekhyun often get sick? He questions himself, feeling failed as a husband as he knows he never really find out if the other was sick and never take care of him. He also reminisces the last time he takes Baekhyun’s out, turns out it only happened twice, and only in their first year of marriage.

How many times does he ever see Baekhyun 's happy laughter or Baekhyun's tears? He squeezes his brain trying to recall some memories for no result. It is no lie. He is really a bad husband, and he did many bad things for Baekhyun. But, instead of fixing what he had done, he decides to end it.

To let Baekhyun go.

 

***

 

Chanyeol can feel Sehun squeezes his hand on his lap as if cheering him on for what he is going to say, for his final decision. He can see his soft assuring smile but he can’t find the strength in him to smile back. He feels nervous, and a little too dizzy to think further.

“So, what can I help you, Mr Park?”

Kim Junmyeon pushes his glasses up slightly after it slides down his nose. His smile is kind, and he doesn’t even look ageing despite the fact that he is already thirty-something this year. He still looks young, and kind of small, much to Chanyeol’s little amusement.

“Long time no see, hyung,” Chanyeol replies with little to none formality, making Junmyeon frowns in disagreement before looks around his room as if he is expecting some employee would pop out from under his desk.

“You brat. Here, in the office, I am Lawyer Kim and you are my client. So, what can I help you again?”

Chanyeol chuckles at his cousin’s words, more or less to ease his own anxiety before he drops the bomb. He heaves a deep breath. There is no going back now.

“I want to file a divorce.”

If it was any other circumstance, Chanyeol would laugh because Junmyeon’s bewildered expression is priceless. But he knows nothing funny of what he just asked for. However, the bemusement in his cousin's eyes doesn’t make Chanyeol feel better. Shit! He brings Sehun here, hand in hand, it should be enough sign and Junmyeon doesn’t have to look like that, to look as if Chanyeol had done such big crime.

Junmyeon shakes his head.

“You’re kidding me, Chanyeol.”

“I’m not kidding, Lawyer Kim,” his words comes harsher than he intended to. Anger quickly boiling up in him. What’s wrong with everyone?! He raises his hand linked to Sehun 's for Junmyeon to see. “Look, you know about me and Sehun, right? You know how much I love him.”

“But Baekhyun….” Junmyeon purses his lips, it seems as if the anger getting in him too. For what reason, Chanyeol doesn’t know. “God, Chanyeol! How stupid are you, going to dump someone like Baekhyun?!” Junmyeon snaps.

But Chanyeol fires back.

“What’s wrong with everyone?! If you love him so much then just get the damn done with the divorce and marry him!”

He can feel the veins on his neck as he slumps back in his chair. Junmyeon looks like he can’t be any more shocked than this. But his eyes softened as he draws his hand on the desk, trying to reach for his cousin’s.

“Chanyeol-ah…”

“I am a client here,” Chanyeol replies stiffly, he straightens up his sit, tightening his grips on Sehun’s hand, and looks at the lawyer in the eyes. “So, can you get done with my request, Lawyer Kim?”

Junmyeon sighs and nods. “It will take few weeks to do so. But we will try our best. You must fill some documents and wait, Mr Park. We will inform you when everything is done.”

Chanyeol nods, they exchange few formal talks about the required things in his file before Chanyeol bids him goodbye, taking the bored-looking Sehun out of the room. His hand occupies the door’s handle with Junmyeon calls again.

“Have you told him?”

There is no need for explanation. They both know who the ‘him’ Junmyeon means.

“I will…” Chanyeol whispers.

 

***

 

“Baekhyun…. We have been together for 3 years now, but we are not—“

“Baekhyun, should we divorce?”

“Baekhyun, there is something I want to discuss…”

Chanyeol gulps and clears his throat. He has been practising with so many speeches now but he still can’t decide which one, which way will hurt Baekhyun less. Little does he know that whichever way will hurt Baekhyun the same.

As he pushes open the door that evening, his heart skips a beat to see Baekhyun approaches him with a smile, just like any other day. With divorce papers being held tight in his right hand, Chanyeol almost considers to throw them into the trash bin as Baekhyun reaches over to get Chanyeol’s briefcase. Well, almost. In fact, the paper slightly crumbled under the pressure of his fist.

 _Do you want your coffee now?_ Baekhyun asks, Chanyeol sees him taking a glance at the clock, it’s almost ten pm already. It took Chanyeol so long to trap himself inside the car, figuring out what he should say.

Chanyeol slowly nods. “I have… something to discuss with you,” he croaks, his voice sounds strange even in his ears. Baekhyun must have seen to that too from the way his body stiffen. But the smaller quickly shoves it away with a thin simper.

_Wait a minute. I’ll heat the dinner and make your coffee._

Silence envelops them as Chanyeol sits there in one of dining table’s empty seat, listening to the rhythmical sound of Baekhyun stirring little sugar cubes into his coffee. Before he realizes, Baekhyun already put the cup of coffee in front of him and makes himself settled with a mug of chocolate milk. The dinner Baekhyun cooked is in front of them, still untouched.

One minute. Two minutes. Chanyeol finds it hard to form a word on the back of his throat, to recall the speech he had been practising all the way home, harder to roll them out of his mouth as Baekhyun stares back at him with that sweet innocent eyes of his. He doesn’t realize his heart has been racing inside his chest until the time he tries to grab his coffee and sips it immediately, only to find out the coffee is still steaming hot and he accidentally burns his tongue for that. He places back the cup to its place with his large clumsy hand that he accidentally knocks it over, spilling coffee into the table and down his own hands and pants. Chanyeol yelps in pain.

Upon witnessing the scene happened before his eyes, Chanyeol catches how his small husband’s small eyes get rounded before he quickly holds onto Chanyeol’s burnt fingers and drags him to the sink. Carefully, he washes his husband’s hands under the running water before dries it with a tiny towel. Just as Chanyeol thinks it is enough and his fingers a little more at ease, Baekhyun leans down while bringing Chanyeol’s fingers closer to his mouth and blows air gently.

_'Baekhyun, let’s divorce.'_

The words turn dry on the edge of his lips. Letting Baekhyun go, Baekhyun he doesn’t love… somehow, harder than he ever imagined. He can’t do that. He just can’t. So instead, with half his mind doesn’t know what he is doing, he pulls the smaller onto his chest, resting his head on the blade of Baekhyun’s shoulder.

It was as if... as if their marriage is fine. As if they are in love. As if he had told Baekhyun how he loves him. Though it was just such imagination beyond Baekhyun’s closed eyes.

Chanyeol then feels a tug on his shirt, forcing him to loosen his hug and looks down into Baekhyun’s smiling lips. There is a subtle tint of red on his cheeks.

 _I have something to tell you too_ , Baekhyun starts, visibly trembling. His half smile somehow stuck and turns into a nervous one as Chanyeol raises a brow full of anticipation.

And with shaking nimble fingers, he places both his hands on the level of his tummy and clasps them together, fingers completing fingers. After a good half minute of locking eyes down, he finally looks up at Chanyeol as if expecting him to say something. The taller knits his brows together trying to read what Baekhyun was going to say. He thought he wouldn’t understand. Hell no, it is the first time he ever looks at that sign. But somehow, something is telling him. The pale Baekhyun, the morning regular retching...

“Are you...,” he says hesitantly, heart beating fast inside his ribs trying to get its way out of his chest. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up, can he?

But the sudden bright smile and abrupt nod of Baekhyun confirm everything. Without even knowing how, he already gets the honey-hair wrapped so tight in his embrace.

“We are… gonna have a baby?”

The moment Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun back into his embrace, he forgets about the divorce, he forgets Sehun, he forgets that their marriage was a hell for him. But he also forgets… that he did start the fire that will be burning him and Baekhyun both.

 


	3. 2/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like withered flowers, it's too late.

 

> "Maybe all I am is that withered fragmented flower. But she still keeps me between the pages of her diary."
> 
> \- Tattered Tone

 

Chanyeol wakes up to the sound of water from the bathroom and someone throwing up. Taking his time gathering his scattered soul and sense back, he opens his eyes, adjusting to the still dim room as he reaches to his side, to the slightly still warm empty spot next to him. The realization comes a little late. Chanyeol quickly sits up on the edge of the bed, listening to the retching sound before groggily waddles up his way to the half-opened bathroom.

He found Baekhyun sits down in front of the toilet bowl, puking all his supper and midnight snacks out with a painful sound that makes Chanyeol grimaces. After a good couple of minutes he was there standing like some idiot statue, awkwardly he walks over to Baekhyun and places his hand on the later’s nape, massaging him down to his back until Baekhyun finishes before reaching a wet towel for him.

 _I’m sorry for waking you up,_ is all Baekhyun says once he wipes his mouth clean. And even his lips look pale and his body seems too weak to even stand up, he still manages to offer Chanyeol his soft smile, a smile as if nothing in this world ever out of place.

Chanyeol helps him walking back to their shared bedroom, the rays of sunshine already peeking through the white curtains make Baekhyun jumping back to stand up position and panicking upon glancing the clock on the wall.

_You might late! Do you want to eat? I’ll make breakfast now, you can take shower first._

He frantically makes the gesture of closing and opening his fingers imitating a shower and turns on his heels quickly, about to run for the kitchen when Chanyeol’s strong arms grab his, gently pushing him back to sit on the bed.

“Go rest. I’ll make breakfast, hm?”

The breakfast Chanyeol made turns out to be barely edible-looking meals for he can’t even cook to save his life. The eggs are slightly burnt, but thanks God, the bacon he fried still tasted the same. He also brews two cups of coffee which Chanyeol himself almost spits when he takes a sip. Too bitter. Baekhyun laughs and adds more sugar into his husband's coffee and pours himself a glass of milk.

“When is your checkup to the doctor?” Chanyeol breaks the silence that morning. It is unusual for him to do so, but doesn’t mean he never initiates to start a little chat with Baekhyun. It’s just… rare. He is just never really able to accept Baekhyun’s presence in his life.

Baekhyun looks up with a confused expression, the piece of bacon he was about to bite hanging between his lips and that makes a smile showing itself on Chanyeol’s face.

“When is your checkup?” He repeats. Baekhyun bites his bacon, chewing it as quick as possible and gulps hard.

Baekhyun folds three middle fingers on both of his hands, leaving his thumbs and pinkies sticking out. _Today._

“Today? What time?”

A fist and another fist, with each one of pretty index finger pointing at the ceiling. Chanyeol smiles thinly at how enthusiast Baekhyun seems.

“11? 11 am?”

Baekhyun nods quickly, smiling his big smile with two thumbs shown up for his (feeling as if) smart husband. A little hope creeping up his heart and he tries so hard to push them down as he watches Chanyeol looks over his schedule on the tab.

A little hope he clutches too hard against his chest when Chanyeol’s gaze comes back to him, making him feels trapped in those beautiful dark eyes, making him blushes like a teenage girl all over again.

“I have a meeting at 10 am. But I think I can make it around 11.30. I’ll meet you at the clinic. Is that okay?”

Honestly, it is more than okay. It is more than Baekhyun dares to wish.

_Yes/ But if you’re busy, you don’t have to come._

With those crossing of arms and gesture which means ‘come’ with Baekhyun’s both index fingers still pointing toward himself and lips pressed in what seems like worried, Chanyeol offers his almost goofy smile to his little husband.

 “I’ll come, don’t worry.”

That was a simple thing, but even after Chanyeol left for work in hurry steps, without a chance to say his goodbye other than a slight wave from across the room, Baekhyun just can’t help but smiles all day long.

 

***

 

Chanyeol looks at his wristwatch as he makes his exit from his office, it is 11.20, he saved 10 minutes from the meeting earlier. The young CEO quickly gets to his car, checking through few text messages Baekhyun sent to let him know from the time he left their house until when he anxiously waiting for his turn.

There’s one moment he put his thumb on the reply button, hovering over touchscreen keyboard but nothing came to his mind, so he put his phone back to his pocket and starts driving.

Somewhere between the office and the hospital, Chanyeol stops his car in front of a stand selling flowers just at the side road. Three years into their marriage, never once Chanyeol bought flowers for his husband. And this time too, he still has no specific reason to do so. But seeing the blooming sunflowers reminding him of Baekhyun’s bright smile. And he wants to see that smile once again.

His head full of apology speeches as he drags his feet in hurry steps, knowing fully well he made it almost half an hour late than the time he promised Baekhyun, curse the traffic jam, curse the flowers seller lady who took too long to wrap his flowers.

“Chanyeol!”

Before Chanyeol could even register who possibly was calling his name, his neck spontaneously turns to the source of the voice and almost fails to comprehend as to what is Oh Sehun doing here? Then his eyes travel down to the model's legs wrapped in a bandage. Worry soon waves through him.

“Are you okay?” He rushes to the male limping his way. “What happened?”

“I just got slipped at the stairs earlier. But how do you know I’m here?” Sehun beamed. Despite his still painful as hell ankle, he drags his legs as fast as his pain allows toward Chanyeol, automatically throws his arms around the other’s waist. “I’m glad you come, I just sent you a text few minutes ago and here you are! Oh, you even get me flowers?!”

Suddenly having mental disability, Chanyeol just gulps and nods, hesitantly handing Sehun the bouquet of flowers that's not supposed to be his, who takes it in glee.

“You’re a hopeless romantic, Chanyeol. I’m surprised you give me flowers. But I like it. Just… why did you buy sunflowers? It doesn’t smell so good, and it’s yellow for God sake. It’s not like me.”

All Sehun sudden rumbles fade slowly. _Yes, it’s not like Sehun… because it is Baekhyun in the first place. Baekhyun, whose laughter brightens everything around him. Baekhyun, whose smile makes the sun dims and flowers envy._

.

13.30 pm. It’s been two hours and Baekhyun starts to feel his bottom hurts from sitting too long on the hard surface bench in the hospital. There’s no message from Chanyeol.

But he’s still there, clinging to that little hope Chanyeol gave him.

_“I’ll come, don’t worry.”_

Except, he didn’t.

.

Later at night, Chanyeol comes home four hours late. After accompanying the whining Sehun, there were still piles of works to finish, so Chanyeol spent his evening at his office, working extra.  He’s greeted by sleepy-eyed Baekhyun smiling weakly and asking if he wants a cup of coffee. The later refuses this time, opting to only accept another offer of hot bath. And as the small male hurriedly goes to the bathroom to prepare the bath, Chanyeol loosens the knot of his tie and sits on the couch Baekhyun was unintentionally sleeping at, his eyes glued to the mug of coffee on the coffee table. It’s cold. Baekhyun must have waited for him for God knows how long.

And as guilty creeps up in his heart, Chanyeol quietly sips the cold coffee.

He finds Baekhyun already asleep half an hour later, when he just finished taking a bath. His husband’s back is facing him, so slender and delicate. After putting on his pajamas, Chanyeol takes his place on the king sized bed, there is still a large space between Baekhyun and him, cold, much like their marriage itself. He closes his eyes, comforting his back and long limbs on the soft fabric of sheet which smells fresh from the laundry but couldn’t get his mind to ease and sleep. Though Baekhyun didn’t bring the topic up even a little, the guilt still lingers in the air around him.

That is what pushes him to scoot closer to Baekhyun, wrapping his long arm around the smaller one. For a moment, he feels as if Baekhyun tenses, but a minute has passed and the honeyed hair doesn’t move an inch. Chanyeol brushes off all the other thoughts as he presses his lips on the back of the other head, on the soft of his strawberry scented hair as if his life depends on it.

“I’m sorry….,” he murmurs, knowing fully well that Baekhyun perhaps is sleeping, or even if he doesn’t, there’s still this bitter fact that his small husband could never hear his voice. Or any other kind of sound at all.

“I’m sorry.”

 

***

 

_“Lee Joonhee!!!” Yoora a deep frown on her face. She had been telling that four years old kid to not running around or he would scrap his knees again. But as four years old he was, Joonhee didn’t pay so much attention to the warning, that, if not ignoring it at all.called, both hands on her waist and_

_Joonhee laughed and ran as fast as his small, fat, still awkward legs could make him go the farthest of his angry mother and hid behind Baekhyun’s legs, burying his face in between Baekhyun’s lower thighs while hugging the male’s knees for dear life._

_Baekhyun made a silent chuckle and squat down, descending himself to make both of them be in the same eye level._

What is your name? _He asked, a smile was full on his face which faded a little as the kid just frowned._

_“What are you doing?” He asked out of curiosity._

You are so cute, _Baekhyun said again, knowing he had no way to describe his condition to four years old kid._

_“How did you do that?!” Joonhee’s eyes twinkled with curiosity. “Teach me!”_

_“Joonhee! How many times Mom has to tell you not to run?!” In all sudden, the tiny brunette had been wrapped in his mother’s arm. Yoora smiled apologetically at Baekhyun which Baekhyun hadn’t taken so much as a second to return. To call her pretty was not enough. Every inch of Park Yoora literally screamed beauty and grace in her movements and features. The features that looked so much like Chanyeol._

_“I’m sorry Baekhyun, I hope Joonhee didn’t disturb you,” she said with a sweet smile.  It could be endearing if she didn't literally spell every word as she spoke. Too good of articulation. Too slow._ As if I wouldn't understand.

_“Mom! Why he doesn't speak?”_

_“Ah...," Yoora turned to look at her only son. "Uncle Baekhyun here can’t speak, Darling. He can’t hear too. Don't you bother him, okay? He wouldn't understand.” Even the way she spoke to her son was less delicate._

_Somehow it stung. Watching they talked as if he was invisible. Witnessing every word escaped of her lips as if he would not understand. But no matter how much he wanted to be mad, he couldn't. She was just trying to care. None of what she said was a lie. It all was truth. And because it is the truth, the stinging pain was more solid._

_“Noona, father called for you.”_

_Yoora who was tidying Joonhee’s dark mob got into a halt. Both she and her son turning their head to the direction of where the deep voice came from. The intruder made his present not long after, in the form of long legs and goofy smile. He was still wearing his work attire with the tie barely hanging on his neck._

_Baekhyun looked at the same direction and for the 98715375 th times, was awestruck with Chanyeol’s smile. He secretly named Chanyeol his personal sunshine._

_“Joonhee, you wait here with uncles, hm?” Ruffling her small ball of life in the hair for the last time, Yoora quickly jogged back inside the house, leaving Joonhee at Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s care._

_In no time, there was booming of laughter from the small child and chuckle from Chanyeol as the latter picked the boy up to sit on his shoulder and brought him running along. Baekhyun watched in amusement until the tired duo took a sit on the grass near him._

Want some drinks? _Baekhyun offered, made drink gesture at last and tilting his head to the panting Chanyeol._

_Chanyeol just laughed and waved his hand off while his eyes trailing after Joonhee. It always amazed Chanyeol that kids never run out of energy, like Joonghee now who already running back inside the house calling for his mother._

_“Cute isn’t he?” He started._

_Baekhyun was slightly taken aback. Chanyeol rarely initiated a conversation with him. A year of marriage and they usually just exchanged “I’m leaving”, “Take care”, “I’m home” and “Welcome home” kind of talks, that if it can be counted as any kind of talks at all. So he smiled, too wide, and blushed afterwards knowing how stupid he must look like._

Do you want to have a kid too?

_Before Baekhyun could regret asking the very weird question, Chanyeol blinked, trying to repeat Baekhyun’s gesture hand by patting invisible object in the air._

_“Want to have what?”_

A kid, _Baekyun repeated the gesture, his chin pointed to where Joonhee just disappeared into and Chanyeol seemed to catch it._

_“Of course,” he smiled genuinely. “I’d be very happy to have one. My own little kid.”_

_Chanyeol’s smile was always contagious to Baekhyun. And Baekhyun, shamelessly hoping in secret that one day, they would be able to have their own Joonhee. That time, probably he could spend time like this with Chanyeol more?_

 

***

 

Baekhyun practically bounces on his heels that Chanyeol has to put his arm around his husband’s curved waist to stop him from potentially hurting himself and their baby. Baekhyun stops moving at all, probably stops breathing too with all the blood rush up to his face, filling both his cheeks, even to the tips of his ears with crimson red colour.

Chanyeol ducks his head a little, meeting his eyes with Baekhyun who, in a panic, quickly drifts his gaze away. His eyes unintentionally land on the bookshelf in front of them. It shows rows full of storybooks for children with pictures. Baekhyun’s eyes turn gleaming. He just loves books and what stand before him now looks like a rainbow unicorn.

Quickly, Baekhyun pulls some books. In less than ten minutes he has already five children books in his hand and looks at Chanyeol with those puppy eyes.

“Baek….,” Chanyeol clears his throat. “I don’t think we need those books yet. Our baby is still what? Three months? Four? How about we shop some baby packages first?”

Shaking his head, Baekhyun juts his lower lip out, again, giving Chanyeol that kicked puppy look. And Chanyeol suddenly feeling too weak.

“But you can’t even re-“ he stops himself midway, eyes widen and the urge to slap himself is real. Baekhyun seems to catch what he was trying to say.

Silence hangs in the air, chill as the wind of winter. Chanyeol wants to beat himself bloody for what he said and almost said. He is not that kind of guy. He probably can't ever be the perfect husband who loves his other husband with all his heart, but he doesn’t want to be a bad one too. Just when he is about to open his mouth to speak apology, Baekhyun smiles.

Yes, he smiles. Byun Baekhyun, who seems like he knows nothing but to smile.

 _You,_ Baekhyun points at him, _will read it for me, right?_

The small male smiles wider, smiles that Baekhyun smile, that sunshine-like smile. And Chanyeol just couldn’t find ‘no’ anymore in his vocabulary.

“I will.”

 

***

 

There is that heavy feeling coiling in the pit of his stomach that would not be fading away as Chanyeol stares down at the brown envelope in his hand. The package was sent to his office earlier this morning, and ever since he witnessed what was inside, there was nothing that day he could do correctly.

He heaves a sigh, putting the envelope on the kitchen counter while he grabs for a glass and pours some plain water into it. His mind goes back to a certain petite male as soon as the glass touches his lips, that if he ever leaves at all. Somehow, the idea which once he decided without any doubt becomes blurred now. _There’s the baby_ , he tells himself. He can’t be that irresponsible bastard dumping his pregnant husband and their baby, right?

Until the baby born… and maybe he can let go of Baekhyun.

Baekhyun.

And now there’s another thing making him unable to sit down well despite his aching back and dizzy head. It is raining hard outside, followed by distant thunder every now and then. Chanyeol goes back to the living room where the television is on, airing some sports program he usually likes, well not now, not tonight. Totally ignoring the static murmurs of the television, or the constant buzz of his phone from Sehun's texts and calls, the tall keeps pacing back and forth impatiently, as if he is anticipating a small figure to barge in anytime soon. It is pitch dark outside, heavy rain and loud thunders. And Baekhyun isn’t home yet. All the calls Chanyeol dialled resulted only to be ended at voice mail.

He cursed, running his hand through the dark mob of his hair without even knowing why. He feels like throwing a chair off the windows or something if not for the ringing of the bell outside. The sound makes him almost stumbled trying to be on the door as quick as possible.

A petite figure stands before him once the door opened, drenched and shivered from the cold. The big brown coat draped around his shoulder all soaked, looked so heavy from the amount of water. Baekhyun so much represents a soaked kicked out puppy now.

“Where have you been?!” It turns out harsher than he intends.

Baekhyun doesn't answer when Chanyeol immediately hauls him inside, only gripping on Chanyeol’s warm front shirt before pushes himself back.

 _You’ll get wet too,_ he holds up shaky fingers toward Chanyeol, which Chanyeol responds only with a dumb expression. The taller man doesn’t have time to pay attention anyway as he already skips across the room to get some dry towels.

“Where have you been until this late?” He repeated once Baekhyun already sits down, with a mug of hot chocolate amateur Chanyeol made wrapped between his shaky nimble fingers.

 _Doctor,_ Baekhyun puts his thumb and index finger on where his artery vein is as reply, a little hesitantly, eyes look anywhere but Chanyeol’s.

“This long?”

 _I trapped in the rain!_ Baekhyun snaps his fingers, his clumsy attempt to explain things.

For a moment, Chanyeol looks like he is not going to easily let go, but he does seeing Baekhyun struggling to dry his hair. The taller between the two stands up behind Baekhyun, taking over the towel and the task both.

“Idiot. You make me worried,” he mumbles. Not that Baekhyun would be able to see him to know.

They stay in that position for awhile, longer than it should, perhaps. With Chanyeol’s hand lingering between the wet towel and Baekhyun’s soft, wet hair, making lazy moves in his effort to dry Baekhyun. It’s as if he wants to be with Baekhyun longer in the complete, comfortable silence. And maybe that’s true…. For whatever reason, he knows it is. Seeing Baekhyun closing his eyes and leaning into his touch, it doesn’t help either.

Chanyeol laughs inaudibly, if he doesn’t know better, he would think he is in love with this pretty male before him.

 

***

 

Somewhere in the night, he woke up for the loss of warmth snuggling his body. Groggily, with eyelids still rebelling to part, Chanyeol reaches his hand around to feel his husband only to be met with a cold empty bed. When he forces his eyes open, he has to squish them close for a moment again for the bright light of their room is killing his pupils. The second time he opens his them and adjusts to the brightness, he sees Baekhyun standing on the edge of the bed. Somehow, he looks much smaller than he already is, limping, with something glossy in his eyes that makes Chanyeol’s inside churns. He notices the male shivers and only now then he realizes how cold their room is. _Why didn’t Baekhyun turn up the temperature?_ He knows well his husband can’t tolerate cold, Baekhyun would always set their heater on high temperature and Chanyeol always wakes up sweating in the morning. 

The very question is about to roll out Chanyeol’s tongue when Baekhyun fakes a smile and offers him a big brown envelope.

The familiar-looking envelope chokes him in the throat and blows all the sleepiness off his eyes. Chanyeol stutters to make questions and explains in his head, but none comes out his mouth. _He knew._ He takes the map and pulls over the formal letter there, only to let his heart sinks to the floor.

Baekhyun signed it.

 

***

 

Chanyeol can’t put on all his attention to the road as he is driving downtown, away from all suffocating noises and crowds of the city. Once awhile, he would spare a glance to the male sitting next to him. Baekhyun is quiet as he always is, only fidgeting with his fingers on his lap, never did he glance at Chanyeol. And Chanyeol doesn’t know if he should feel fortunate or otherwise. If only Baekhyun looks at him once, if only he looks into Chanyeol’s eyes, he would know how reluctant Chanyeol is letting him go. How, if only Baekhyun says a gesture of changing mind, Chanyeol would, right then and there turn over the wheel and drive back to their home at full speed.

But Baekhyun didn’t, and after two hours which feels like forever, Chanyeol parks his car in front of a familiar gate in a familiar neighbourhood. It has been quite sometime after their last visit to Baekhyun’s parents.

Once the petite takes off his seatbelt, Chanyeol gets off his seat first to open the door for him. It hurts Chanyeol slightly to realize it is indeed the first time for him opening the door for Baekhyun. What did he do all these three years? He forgot even to show slightest affection he could afford.

They linger there, in front of the gate. Only them and silence. Baekhyun reserved his eyes for his shoes all the time that it startles Chanyeol the moment the honeyed hair looks up and Chanyeol finds his eyes wet and red, though it seems like he tries hard not to cry. Chanyeol has the urge to places his hand there on the soft cheeks and wipes the tears away. Instead, all his hands can do is hanging awkwardly beside his body.

 “T-take care,” Chanyeol finally breathes.

They stare at each other, don’t know what else to say. Chanyeol feels like there are more, there are words on the tip of his tongue waiting to be pulled out but he doesn’t know what it is. Or more like, he doesn’t have a gut to know what it actually is. He just wants this divorce to be easier for both of them. And the sooner he leaves, the easier it is.

He is about to turn on his heels when a soft hand grabs onto his wrist. Chanyeol stares at their linked hands for a moment before tears his gaze to his husband’s face. Still, here under the morning sunlight, Baekhyun looks ethereal as the first time they met, as he always is every time he smiles. Even his smile now isn’t the brightest.

Baekhyun makes a gesture with his trembling hands. And Chanyeol can’t regret the fact that he didn’t seriously take the lesson of sign language more than this moment. His husband, well, his ex now, lifts the pinky finger of his right hand, crossing both his fists in front of his chest, and then points his index to Chanyeol’s chest.

Chanyeol smiles, as if he understands and nods before he turns on his back and walks away.

Leaving Baekhyun’s and all the words he just said hanging in the air.

 

***

 

It was winter, two months and a half after their marriage. Peering over the window, Chanyeol could see the snow everywhere, hanging on the tree trunks, enveloping the branches and lamp posts, covering the street and the yard with a thick white blanket, even the pool. Someone careless enough might fall for the trap. The weather forecast told them it was going to be snowy today and heavier from the other day before. Chanyeol sighed, it seemingly true and he thought he would have no choice but to be stuck in the house with the boy who was now officially his husband. There was no more excuse he could offer to get himself out of the house and out of the awkward moment whenever they forced themselves to go together. On the weekdays, Chanyeol would overwork himself, tired himself out just so he wouldn’t have more energy than enough to eat dinner his husband cooked quietly and dragged his own feet into the bedroom to sleep. On the weekends, it was always a challenge that Chanyeol started to like weekdays more nowadays. On the first month, Chanyeol would always bring Baekhyun anywhere, visiting his parents or visiting Baekhyun’s parents and stayed there bonding with family all over the weekend. Sometimes he would ask him to go shopping or even helping in some charity. Just so, he and Baekhyun would have something to do. But today, with the potency of a storm outside, all plans to go out he must throw out the window.

A tap on his shoulder pulled Chanyeol back to reality, he turned around.to find his husband’s tiny face leaning close, startled him. Quickly, Baekhyun made a gesture which looked like an apology, Chanyeol wasn’t entirely sure.

Again, Baekhyun made a gesture with a question in his eyes which Chanyeol could only pay back with questioning eyes and furrowed brows. Chuckling silently, the smaller then pulled out a small notebook he was always bringing with and started to write something there. It was always their way of communicating, through notes and writings.

**What are you doing?**

_Oh?_ Thinking that it would be unfair for Baekhyun to write alone while he easily speaking, he took the notebook from the petite male and scribble his answer.

**It’s snowing outside. Guess we can’t go anywhere :(**

Baekhyun’s smile grew wider.

**It’s okay. We can stay at home. Do you want to watch a movie or doing something else?**

Chanyeol hummed, considering the offer. It would be nice… but then an idea hit him and he couldn’t help but grinned as he took the other’s hands, not noticing how red Baekhyun’s face became by his casual touch.

“Watching movies would be nice,” he began, “but it can wait. What about you teach me your language?”

That pair of snoopy eyes got widen before slowly, his grin got even wider. Baekhyun nodded vigorously. No more than ten minutes later, they already settled on the king sized bed, with a pile of papers next to Baekhyun.

 **Coffee,** it was written, and Baekhyun made a C shape using his index and thumb. Chanyeol, awkwardly with his big hand repeated the action. Baekhyun nodded in approval.

 **Sleep.** Baekhyun touches his forehead then his chin.

 **House.** Two hands meeting together imitate a roof.

 **Office.** Two fists bumping together and back.

 **Tired.** Fingers extended, touching Baekhyun’s chest with his elbows up which then he dropped along with a facial expression that screamed ‘tired’. As if he had no energy anymore to hold those elbows up any longer.

 **Hungry.** Baekhyun made a cupping hand in front of his neck then brought them down to his middle chest. Chanyeol succeeded imitating in the first try, though he looked more like he was about to choke himself to death.

 **Snow.** Baekhyun spread ten of his fingers before flailing them down smoothly like the snows flailing in the air.

Chanyeol tried to mimic that one, stiffly flailing his wrists, but Baekhyun only laughed, he leaned closer to relax Chanyeol’s fingers and put them to its right final position. When they fingers brushed together, Chanyeol could feel how soft Baekhyun’s hands are, how slender his fingers, compared to his big clumsy ones are.

The approximate of their closeness got Baekhyun’s face burnt deep red, especially when Baekhyun wanted to retreat his daring hands but Chanyeol held them between his large, calloused ones. Thumb softly rubbing on the back of Baekhyun’s soft hand.

 “What else? Teach me more!”

Baekhyun smiled, then, without writing anything on the paper beforehand, he made another gesture. It was daring of him, he knew. But how could he contain his feelings being piled up all these years, with Chanyeol so close, so handsome, and so gentle to him like this?

So he put up his right pinky finger, made fists and placed them across his chest like some X sign, or if you look close enough, it was a shape of heart. And the last one, he pointed his index to Chanyeol, who looked clueless.

_I love you._

“What is it?” Chanyeol blinked, confused. He tried to mimic that gesture awkwardly. Baekhyun thought his heart might burst, even when Chanyeol didn’t know the meaning, even when Chanyeol failed trying to repeat it correctly.

Smiling, Baekhyun shook his head and made another gesture, trying so hard to shake away the trembles from his fingertips. With both his hands held on both side of his chest, thumb curled, he wiggled it in a cute way.

“What is it this time?” Chanyeol pouted, feeling a little embarrassed and stupid for knowing nothing.

Baekhyun giggled a little in response and touched Chanyeol’s ears instead of writing the answer.

“Ears?” Chanyeol guessed. “My ears?” Baekhyun smiled mysteriously still. “Big ears?!” And the other suddenly laughed in silent while putting two thumbs up. Chanyeol faked an angry look but then smiled nonetheless.

“Are you making fun of my ears?!” He barked with playfulness. Before Baekhyun knew it, he was trapped between Chanyeol’s toned arms, clumsy fingers getting their ways on his nape and waist and he couldn’t help but forcing a laughter, squirming out of instinct. A silent laugh but for the noises of his hitching breathes.

But through his almost closed eyelids, he sees that beautiful laugh on Chanyeol’s lips, he couldn’t wish for more. So when their laughter died down and Chanyeol, all of sudden leaned in closer and closer to him, Baekhyun’s world just stopped rotating. He practically stopped breathing the moment their lips met for the first time.

For what he thought it would only be a small innocent kiss, it was not. Maybe it was the weather, the cold and snowy day. The perfect thing to do for a newly married couple was to snuggle against each other, seeking for warmth, and maybe something more. As they laid there, bodies pressing together, legs tangling to each other and mouths kissing, battling for dominance, with papers forgotten, for once, and everything else blurred into the background, hope started to grow inside Baekhyun’s blooming heart.

Maybe… just maybe, this could be the start of their happy marriage?

 

***

 

It is two months after Chanyeol drove Baekhyun back to his parents’ house when he finally hears again about Baekhyun. It is as if the honey hair suddenly disappears from his life. No texts, no calls, no news, nothing. And it will be too big fat of a lie if he says he doesn’t feel so empty after Baekhyun left. He doesn’t know just how much the presence of him in the house, the mob of his soft honey-coloured hair, his light footsteps, the scent of coffee he makes, delicate fingers talking to Chanyeol…. And that smile, that stolen-from-the-morning-sun smile had dug an empty hole inside Chanyeol’s chest.

Suddenly, home doesn’t feel like home anymore without Baekhyun in it.

The mails have stopped coming, the flowers start to either grow wild or whither, but sometimes, the coffee scent lingers in the kitchen, the vanilla fragrance of Baekhyun has faded from the pillow, but in the closet, it's there, faintly. And as Chanyeol absentmindedly examine what's inside, it hits him in the gut. There are only little of Baekhyun's clothes left, he didn't bring any with him. That huge twin-doors closet is full of his, with shirts he doesn't remember ever buy. He always wears them, though. Baekhyun always the one to buy, weekly, and never for himself.

Suddenly, he knows just how much of Baekhyun's existence that he needs.

But, every urge to hear any news from Baekhyun died at his hand, with his head keeps reminding him that he shouldn’t, for the goods of them both, mess with Baekhyun anymore. And so, he, again, comes back to Oh Sehun.

The news he gets now, isn’t a pleasant one to hear.

“He is… in the hospital.”

“Yeah… he doesn’t want you to know, actually,” comes a heavy mature voice of a man on the other line of the phone. “But I figure, you deserve to know, Chanyeol. After all, you are still his husband, right?”

 _Right,_ Chanyeol thinks. Sehun would be fuming around him lately, questioning Chanyeol in an annoyed tone of why hadn’t he signed his divorce paper yet, why hadn’t he submit the paper to be processed by his lawyer yet. But Chanyeol himself doesn’t even know why.

After hanging up, Chanyeol grabs his coat, not minding his promise to Sehun about attending his fashion show that day as he makes his way hastily to Baekhyun.

 

***

 

He doesn’t know he missed that beautiful face until he sees him again. Baekhyun is sitting on his bed, munching a slice of apple when Chanyeol hastily walks in. He wouldn’t miss the way the red lips make an attempt of a smile, though looks tired, it’s still a bright smile. And his heart skips a beat as he spots a certain bump on Baekhyun’s tummy. His baby... their baby grows up well.

_Chanyeol!_

He spells Chanyeol’s name almost too excitedly, as if he was a five years old finally getting to answer rightly every question his teacher gives him. Chanyeol sits on the chair next to him, suddenly at lost for words. He was mean to Baekhyun, hell he is, and he doesn’t know what to say now, not with Baekhyun smiles brightly at him as if nothing happened.

“How are you?” He finally manages to croak.

Baekhyun’s smile got thinner. He spreads five of his fingers and puts the thumb against his chest, before trailing down to caress his baby.

_I am fine…. The baby is fine too._

Following where Baekhyun’s hands are, hovering around his small bump, Chanyeol places his large hand on Baekhyun’s little bump as well and leans his head down, pressing his ear on Baekhyun’s tummy. Baekhyun freezes.

“Hey there, baby. This is Daddy….”

When Chanyeol looks back up at Baekhyun, he can see glistens of tears on the smaller eyes threaten to leak out.

 

***

 

The wind that breezes that afternoon a little too cold even for Chanyeol’s taste, and he is a little too late to realize that when he sees Baekhyun shivers under his thin layer of hospital’s pajamas. And Baekhyun can’t stand coldness, for all Chanyeol knows, he used to set their heater temperature too warm, something Chanyeol had tried not to complain. The later pulls off the coat he is wearing and drapes them around Baekhyun’s shoulders. Baekhyun smiles shyly at him and Chanyeol’s gaze lingers even after the petite one back to wandering his eyes to the garden of flowers in the hospital where they are currently walking on. Well, not literally since Baekhyun is sitting on the wheelchair with Chanyeol touring him.

Baekhyun looks smaller than he already was under that coat.

A small tug on his sleeve gets Chanyeol’s attention back. He steps in front of Baekhyun and squats down, making him on the same eye level with the smaller. Baekhyun smiled and moves his hands.

_Do you want some coffee?_

Baekhyun asks slowly. There’s something feels wrong. There’s something missing. Baekhyun moves is slightly different, they aren’t as graceful as Chanyeol could remember, and Chanyeol almost couldn’t understand what he is trying to say if not for the last C letter hanging in the air. Baekhyun tried but for once, for this one only, Chanyeol knows he slipped it. Baekhyun spelt it wrong and even Chanyeol could see.

It is when he realizes it is half past five in the afternoon, the time he usually got home and Baekhyun would greet him with the same question. He smiles a little to himself, but this time with a shaking head.

“Later, Baek. I can get it myself later. Are you thirsty?”

Smiling again, Baekhyun also shakes his head. He lifts his hand again, and for a split of second, Chanyeol swears he saw a glint of pain in Baekhyun’s eyes trying to do that simple task.

 _I want…_ he starts, placing both his hands out with palms facing up before bends them into clawing shape and pull his them toward himself. Chanyeol eyes focus on him, he looks closely as Baekhyun frowns deeply, as if he is trying to remember what he was going to say. He then holds his left palm out and strikes his right palm against it forth an back twice.  _A paper,_ he finishes after a full two minutes.

“Is it paper?” Chanyeol tries. He remembers those times when Baekhyun would use that gesture when Chanyeol was doing his take-home loads of works. “You want a paper?”

Baekhyun nods, he smiles proudly while giving Chanyeol two thumbs up.

Chanyeol looks around, there’s nothing looks like a paper, surely.

“There’s nothing here. Let’s just get back to your room then? It’s getting cold too.” He stands up, hand reaching for the handle of the wheelchair when Baekhyun takes it ever so slightly. His soft touch puts Chanyeol into a halt. He looks down to see Baekhyun shakes his head slowly. Everything he does, he does it slowly now.

Baekhyun reaches for something in the pocket of his pajama, smiling to himself as he pulls out a picture. Chanyeol wants to question if he saves one all the time, why did he asked for a paper again but he holds it to himself, soon distracted by what, or who, in the picture.

It was the first picture they took together. And as weird as it sounds, it’s the only one ever. They never took pictures together again after that day. There, in the single picture, they look so good, Chanyeol was in his black tuxedo and Baekhyun was on his white one, holding a bucket of white roses with a bright smile Chanyeol finds himself longing for.

He raises an eyebrow questionably seeing Baekhyun starts to folds it. Not only on why he folds it, but more into how he does it. He can’t get it right. Baekhyun always folds it into different angles instead of simply folds it into two neat sides. And Baekhyun always did things neatly.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what happens, but he reaches his hand out for the paper and starts to folds it carefully, neatly. Baekhyun smiles, then he instructs Chanyeol how and where to fold using his slim fingers. Fingers that shaking a bit everytime they move.

When they finish, Chanyeol finds the piece of paper had changed its form into a shape of heart in his palm. He smiles to himself as Baekhyun offers him a proud smile, he made it.

With a big goofy grin, he was about to give Baekhyun back the paper heart when Baekhyun closes his hand with both his, telling Chanyeol to keep it.

 _Happy birthday, Chanyeol._ Those pretty fingers dancing clumsily in the air. Middle finger touching his chin, and then his chest.

The taller smiles, clutching the little paper heart in his hand. “Thanks... for the gift.”

For a moment, he thinks Baekhyun is going to say something, but then the later just nods subtly and closes his eyes, not immediately blinking them open. The wind blows a little harder, and a dried leaf gets stuck on the strain of his hair. The sight strikes Chanyeol.

Baekhyun is practically the prettiest thing he ever laid his eyes on.

He suddenly has this urge to kiss the pretty male sitting in front of him, brushing the leaf off the smooth hair and plant his lips between Baekhyun’s thin eyebrows. But instead of doing what every inch of his body screaming him to, his long legs wobbly stands up, hands reaching back for the wheelchair.

“Let’s get back. It’s getting cold.”

Because if they stay longer, if he stands there longer staring at him... he might kiss him for real.

 

***

 

He never got back to see Baekhyun in the hospital. His files of works had been piling up every space on his desk, and Sehun had been insisting on spending time together for every little spare time Chanyeol had after work. He called Baekhyun’s auntie once though, she informed that they had moved back home and Baekhyun is fine. So he feels content.

And it’s not like he has every reason in the world to keep putting a finger in Baekhyun’s life.

It was a few months later when his secretary told him he got a guest, an important guest he never has an appointment scheduled with. Waving his hand off dismissingly, not even looking up from the document he is reading, Chanyeol tells his secretary to let they come in, not even bother asking who the guest is. When he lifts his gaze up, he freezes a little.

“Dad?”

He remembers the last time he met Baekhyun’s father was Christmas last year, over a year ago. Yes, Chanyeol didn’t come to Baekhyun for Christmas this year, Sehun asked to accompany him during that time.

They ended up settling in the cafe at the base floor in Chanyeol’s office building instead of sitting on Chanyeol’s leather sofa in his office room. There are questions hanging in the air as he sips the thick black coffee. Suddenly, the coffee he used to drink before he met Baekhyun feels too bitter for his taste. Baekhyun had put more sugar in his coffee all these years.

“It’s just counting day,” Baekhyun’s father finally starts, a mug of coffee lifted by wrinkly fingers, almost touching his lips, yet he doesn’t make any effort to sip more of his hot espresso. “Baekhyun is going to give birth soon.”

He almost forgets, Chanyeol realises. But no, not really. All the things about Baekhyun are always there, somewhere in his mind, close to his reach, but Chanyeol always covers them with his works, and Sehun's insistent presence helps him all this time. So, nodding was all he could manage.

“You’ll be there on his labouring, right? Baekhyun really wants you to come.”

A big thick lump suddenly stuck in Chanyeol’s throat. He does not have anything anymore related to Baekhyun, does he? And he promised Sehun already.

“I- I will,” he finally whispers, so faint Baekhyun’s father doesn’t even hear it.

 

***

 

Sehun drops the fourth bag on the floor near Chanyeol’s feet with an unnecessary loud thump. His eyebrows knit together and though no harsh words escape his lips yet, his expression says it all. It only counts minutes down for him to explode.

“Am I the one who has to do this?!” He finally speaks, every syllable spells more anger.

Chanyeol just looks up from where his gaze seems to glued, his phone screen. A text just arrived half an hour ago, and yet Chanyeol seems to still not able to collect himself together. It is from Baekhyun’s father. Baekhyun is labouring his baby…. Their baby.

Should he come now? He promised to come. There’s a tug inside his chest just by thinking of what Baekhyun is going through. He has the urge to be there, comfort him, telling him how strong he is and that things will be alright. He needs to be there, to hear their baby’s first cry, to hold them, to whisper in their ears ‘this is your Dad.’

He needs to go. He has to go. But why is he still here?

“Chanyeol… it’s time to go, we have to hurry,” Sehun crosses the room, collecting little things they will probably need to their trip to Europe later. But Chanyeol is still stuck there, debating with himself.

 

***

 

There is a small thud on the other line before silence fills in again. There are no words exchanged. No sound except for the constant buzzing in his ear, the only sign that they are still connected.

He didn’t come to the hospital. Of course, he didn’t. For someone stupid and indecisive like him, what’s new? He let himself being dragged by Sehun with half his soul left at home. He didn’t realize how and how long it was, all he knew when he snapped out of his messy mind, he was already in their hotel room somewhere in the corner of London’s busy street.

And now he is calling back to Korea.

 _This is stupid_. Chanyeol tries to muse with himself. But even so, he couldn’t bring any slightest smile on his lips as he listens to the even breathe from the other line. He doesn’t say a word for he knows nothing he says can be heard, and no any form of words he can hear in return. For he knows, someone who picked up the phone is Byun Baekhyun himself.

And for the good plenty of minutes of silence, there are the unspoken ‘sorry’, ‘thank you’, and somehow ‘I love you’ hanging in the dead air.

 

***

 

Three weeks since then, Chanyeol finds himself checking his phone after an important head-ripping meeting, he got some missed calls, and surprisingly, three of them were from Baekhyun. He checks his inbox but all were from Sehun, and one from his cousin, Junmyeon. No message from Baekhyun.

As his fingers hover over the name of his pretty ex-husband in the contact list, Chanyeol‘s mind being flooded again by the fresh fight with Sehun last night.

Sehun was visiting again, deciding to sleep over after his road show, only to get mad upon seeing Chanyeol’s room.

“You said you’re going to put them down!” He accused, pointing at every little thing Baekhyun left that Chanyeol never dismissed, and Chanyeol couldn’t help but felt guilty. “Why is there still Byun Baekhyun here Byun Baekhyun there Byun Baekhyun everywhere! I’m so sick of this! You are already divorced from him for God’s sake! Why is there still so many Byun Baekhyun in this house?!”

And that was how Sehun left his house in the middle of the night, furry following all the steps he took. He didn’t pick up his phone, not until a few minutes ago it seems, until Chanyeol found missed calls from him. They just barely made up now, with a promise to erase everything about Baekhyun from his life.

And that is how Chanyeol finally deletes Baekhyun's name from his contact.

Two days later, a brown envelope lays cold on his doorstep. It takes a day work and a couple of sleepless nights, tossing and turning around before Chanyeol pulls it out from the drawer and reveals what’s inside. It is a picture. Of a baby. His baby. Their baby.

And the little note attached is a shaky handwriting which he barely notices as Baekhyun’s handwriting. _Baekhyun always does things neatly._ As he looks closely, it reads: _“Meet our son, Park Han Byul. Because you said you love stars, and he is my star too. I hope you love him just as much as you love your coffee… : )”_

The baby is practically the most beautiful thing Chanyeol has ever laid his eyes upon, but what takes his breath away is the fact that the baby resembles his eyes, and his ears, with Baekhyun’s nose and Baekhyun’s lips. The undeniable evidence that the baby indeed is theirs. And… does Baekhyun realize why he loves his coffee?

Because Baekhyun made it. Because it’s Baekhyun.

 

***

 

The next day, Chanyeol questions all the reason why he, of all places, stands there, in front of Baekhyun parents’ house, with his usual suit and formal attire, and… some green dinosaur stuffed toy hanging weirdly in one of his hands.

Someone who opens the door is an old lady he barely recognizes as the housekeeper. Though she doesn’t change much since the last time Chanyeol saw her, and it was during the brief time of his Christmas visit with Baekhyun over a year ago. She, on the other hand, smiles at Chanyeol right away and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug, saying how she missed him.

“He’s not at home,” she says, placing a cup of coffee in front of Chanyeol, who only knits his eyebrows hearing the continuation of her sentence. “He is in the hospital.”

 “What for? Is he not coming home yet? Is the baby okay?”

The cry from the other room answers him instead. And while Chanyeol sits there, frozen upon hearing his baby crying for the first time, Mrs Nam, the old lady gushes over toward the source of the cry. Chanyeol soon follows behind.

The baby is much much more beautiful than he already is in the picture, cute nose and cute lips which looks so much like Baekhyun’s, but with his ears and his eyes. Nothing could be compared to how overwhelmed he feels that moment, when he holds Han Byul in his arms and gives him a bottle of milk, watching the baby sucking his milk eagerly.

“Why is Baekhyun in the hospital then?”

For a moment, the old lady looks at him with disbelief, then silence takes over their conversation.

“Well, why,” she answers at last. “He decides to get his treatment now.”

 

***

 

He came back the next day. And the next day. And the next day. He got to see his baby, an angel in the fragile human flesh, but no Baekhyun.

There’s no trace of Baekhyun. Not his soft honey hair. Not his sunshine smile. Not the scent of his coffee. Not even his faint breath over the phone. And even if he pretends it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t make him worry, he failed so badly at that.

It is that morning, three freaking am and he couldn’t sleep just yet. It seems like all the thoughts, anxiety, restless nights come together crushing his mind right at that time. After tossing and turning around without any result, Chanyeol gets up. He climbs up the small ladder attached to the wall across his bed and there he is, ducking his head below the small door leading to Baekhyun’s favourite secret place.

The room still smells like Baekhyun it hurts. There’s still origami papers scattered on the round short-legged table in the middle of the room. There’s the jar of paper hearts. And there are those fairy tales books they bought a few months ago.

 _You will read them for me,_ he remembers Baekhyun was saying with his pretty fingers. And so he does. Under the dim light, imagining Baekhyun sitting in front of him with Hanbyul in his arms and a bright smile on his lips, Chanyeol starts to read.

Half way through the story and he is hit by the sudden flooding memories.

 “You love fairy tale so much huh?” he asked back then. Baekhyun smiled and danced his fingers beautifully in his attempt to answer.

_They are beautiful and have a happy ending._

“You know happy ending doesn’t exist in real life, right?”

Baekhyun nodded, smiled even wider. _That’s exactly why I love fairy tale._

Maybe that’s what hits Chanyeol. The realization that he’s never a charming prince or brave knight for Baekhyun, he is the stepmother, the beast, the dragon, the antagonist one. Maybe the realization that he never even tried to give Baekhyun happy ending he deserves. Or maybe… it’s just because he missed Baekhyun, so much, that leads his hand to dial Baekhyun’s number, at four in the morning.

Surprisingly, Baekhyun picks it up. Soft breathing starts to fill Chanyeol’s ears and lulls him to sleep as he lies on the cold floor without any proper conversation. It’s just the knowledge of Baekhyun is there, and he feels safe.

“Baekhyun….,” he breaks the silence after awhile, eyes closed and mind floating.

“Baekhyun…. I remember the first time we met. Ten years ago. You were beautiful. You always are.”

And the soft buzzing sound from the other line is the only answer he gets before he eventually drifts to sleep.

 

***

 

It’s that empty afternoon Chanyeol receives the news. Chanyeol arrives home a little bit late, with shoulders slumped and tie barely hanging around his neck, curse all the meetings and deadline that robbed away his lunch, his energy, and his soul. The after rain gives the chill to his body and the wet beats of sands under his feet cling to his shoes as he pushes the door open. There was a little creak before it goes silent again. Too silent. Even the soft thuds of his heels become too clearly audible now every time he goes home. Can it be called home, still?

He steps into the house, feeling a stab of pain in his chest for no reason. Maybe it’s the dead silence. Maybe it’s the cold wind. Maybe… it’s the knowledge that he’s alone. Chanyeol drags his feet through the empty house toward the garden, somehow hoping to find a certain petite male watering the flowers while singing to a song using his free hand, but all he can witness is only the sight of died and abandoned plants.

It feels suffocating, somehow, the more he drags his feet around the house. He unconsciously walks to the kitchen, missing the aroma of steamed coffee wafting through the air and sizzling and clanking noises of Baekhyun making dinner. He misses Baekhyun. And as if on cue, his hip accidentally shoves a jar off the kitchen counter. Baekhyun’s paper hearts jar. The jar he bought down with him from Baekhyun’s secret room in the ceiling as he woke up the next morning. The glass jar scattered on the marble floor with a loud clank. It draws resonant sound around the house as it is the only sound happened. Before everything goes back to the calm, agitating, ticking sound of the wall clock.

Paper hearts in so many colours scattered around his feet.

Right then, Chanyeol’s phone rings. He picks it up only to freeze. His heart scattered into pieces just like those paper hearts.

Baekhyun is gone.

 

***

 

“It was Glioblastoma,” a heavy voice interrupts Chanyeol from the strain of his thoughts. He was standing there, with his mourning suit in front of Baekhyun’s coffin for nine hours already without any hint he will be stopping soon. He just stands there, mindless, oblivious to everything surrounds him. That, until a tap on his shoulder makes him have to turn his head to see.

It’s Baekhyun’s father, smiling tiredly at him.

“It was a brain tumour, a stage four one. We tried… our best for his treatment, but it was too late…”

There is no mistake to the waver of voice Chanyeol hears. A thick lump forms in his throat. To hear about Baekhyun…. To hear what happened, he doesn’t know if he is ready. Somewhere in the back of his mind, it screams all the blames for himself. How could he do not know? If only he paid more attention to Baekhyun.

“How long…,” he finally able to croak, wincing slightly at how strange his voice sounds just now. “How long has he been suffering?”

“We found out five months ago. But he had been hiding it even before we know…”

Five months and more…. It was when Baekhyun was still with him. And he never knew, he never tried to know.

“Why…” he voices out weakly, as if all the energy had drained out from him. “Why didn’t he tell me….”

Chanyeol’s mind wonders, if only he knew, would things turn out differently? Would he hold Baekhyun close? Would he still be able to see that pretty smile now?

Mr Byun smiles and puts his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “You love Hanbyul, right? Baekhyun does too. He kept telling me during pregnancy how you want to have a baby so bad… he kept crying," the old man, looking much older than what Chanyeol remembered sucks in a huge rough breath. "He wanted to protect the baby, that’s why he refused to take the treatment earlier, for he knew he had to choose between his life and the baby’s life. As you know, he chose the latter.”

There’s a pause, dead silence, and Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. Baekhyun did all this for their baby… for the baby he always wanted.

It streaks him in more ways than one.

“But he said, you love him more, that if he told you about the illness he was suffering, you wouldn’t think twice and push him to do the treatment right away.”

There it is. The invisible thunder-like slap to Chanyeol. He didn’t do Baekhyun any justice. Heck, he never did. But Baekhyun still… Baekhyun…. Baekhyun never hates him?

Hot tears roll down his cheeks before Chanyeol even could blink. And before he can prevent himself, more tears keep dwelling in his eyes, streaming down his cheeks and chokes him. It soon turns into sobbing Chanyeol on the floor, doesn’t know how to end his tears, his agony. It’s just so suffocating all this time and just now, and just now the tears find their escape way.

 

***

 

Chanyeol frowns, his eyebrows knitted together and forehead scrunches as he is trying to remember what once taught to him. He folds the paper to its right and a subtle smile forms on his lips, he now recalls. In a minute after, there it is. Crumbled and misshapen but still can be recognized in a shape of a heart.

It’s crumbled like his feelings.

 _Baekhyun is gone. Baekhyun is gone_. His mind keeps enchanting the same words, causing the extreme hollow feelings churning in his chest. As if he just lost something most precious of his life. As if he just lost a big half of himself. As if he was… he is, in love with Byun Baekhyun.

The realization hits him like a tidal wave. _Byun Baekhyun… he loves Byun Baekhyun._ As soon as it echoes in his mind, it feels so right and Chanyeol can’t help but feel so weak. How could he didn’t know all this time? How could he walk home every day thinking he didn’t want to see Baekhyun’s back in his kitchen while in fact, he couldn’t live without it? How could he sleep at night thinking of another guy while the one he deeply inside wanted was right next to him? Every night. Baekhyun had been always there. He could kiss him… he should have kissed him more, wrapped arms around the small frame more, whispered in his ear, and told him that he loved him.

He should have told Baekhyun how much he meant to Chanyeol. ‘I love you’, just those words weren’t hard to say, were they?

Feeling his throat tightens, blocking the air for his lungs, Chanyeol runs his hands through his hair like a mad man. Guilt eating him up it’s hard to breathe. He runs to his bedroom, trying to ignore the sight of Baekhyun on the bed, laying on his tummy with elbows supporting his chin, reading. Baekhyun on the bed, folding his clean clothes. Baekhyun pacing around the room in the morning, gathering suits and tie for Chanyeol to go to work with. Baekhyun turning and smiling at him (and the last one seems so vivid Chanyeol almost falls on his knees). He shoves all the bitterness away and makes his way up the narrow stairs sticking to the wall in his bedroom leading to Baekhyun’s small secret room. After almost turn the place into an aftermath of a hurricane by shoving and scattering neatly set books to the floor, Chanyeol runs back downstairs and goes to the kitchen.

It’s still lying there. Pieces of glass. Pieces of paper hearts.

Chanyeol picks up one red paper heart nearest his feet and puts it on his palm. He had hoped for nothing when he unfolds the paper yet he there he finds, some prints of ink into beautiful handwriting that is only Byun Baekhyun’s.

 

  _February 14 th_

_Chanyeol comes home early today and we have 100-watt crystal lamp dinner_ _ㅋㅋㅋ_ _but nevertheless, it’s the best Valentine ever in my life <3 <3 <3_

 

A pang. Chanyeol steps forward and picks up another paper heart.

 

_December 29 th._

_It’s snowing and I taught Chanyeol language of silence. And we kissed… and we did much more than that >////< _

_I’m so in love what do I do?!!!_

 

Another pang. Right on his chest. With hands that start to tremble, Chanyeol bends down to pick a handful of the others.

 

_March 9 th_

_I miss Chanyeol…. He’s so busy lately. I just want to hold his hand… no, even just seeing him walking home is enough. I want to make coffee for him and watch his back as he sleeps. It’s okay not to get sleep as long as I can watch him longer, hehe I’m so creepy._

 

And another. Harder. A sharp cut through his chest.

 

_March 28 th_

_Chanyeol… I love you. I just want to say that but I can’t and you don’t understand the sign language for that. I love you I love you I love you… God, I love you so much!!!_

 

His vision blurred and Chanyeol couldn’t comprehend anymore the hard feeling in his chest, as if an invisible hand squeezing his heart, clawing into it and trying to rip it open. His eyes found one paper heart stands different from the others. It’s smaller, with no specific colour. As he picks it up under the piles of colourful paper hearts, it turns out to be the picture of him and Baekhyun on their wedding day. It’s the paper heart he made himself that day on his birthday…. The one Baekhyun gave him. The last one.

There’s a letter. Longer than others. And Chanyeol starts to be scared even to read.

 

_If you read this, I might be not there anymore to tell you directly._

_I love you… I always want to say it, and I thank you. Thank you for making me feel love, these three years are the best years of my life._

_I love you ever since you stood on my doorstep with a rose in your hand. I love you more each day every time you stand on our doorstep, greeting me ‘good morning’ and ‘I’m home’. I love you even more with every sip of coffee you took from the ones I made for you._

_You never said you love me…. And forgive me but I still feel the love. And I still am falling in love. With you. I hope you never feel bad about yourself, because you are the best thing ever happened to me. Our wedding, is the best gift in my life._

_I love you, Chanyeol. I love you._

 


	4. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories are like crumpled paper hearts...

> “Memories are like the crumpled veins in the paper heart he folds many times. The evidence that it once hurt there, and never heals."
> 
> — Naya,  _Paper Hearts_

** C ** hanyeol pushes open the reddish brown door by his shoulder while one of his hands holds a briefcase and the other already busy loosening the tight knot of his tie. He undoes two upper buttons of his white shirt and allows his neck to get some cracks on each side; it helps to relax his muscles and reduces the tiredness he feels all over his body. Taking a quick shower before going to bed, or long and warm bath in the bathtub filled with lavender aroma sounds like a great idea for now, except, he has another plan. The tall man stops on his track as he feels something under his shoes. He removes his footing and sees white coloured origami paper folded into a shape of a heart, he picks it up. A warm smile soon comes across his lips.

Just as he was about to pull the paper apart and take a look on what’s inside the heart, almost immediately, a pair of small hands wrap around the middle of his thighs, barely able to make a perfect circle. Chuckling, Chanyeol turns around to meet the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen. Park Hanbyul has his eyes, big and round, but with the sparks that is so Byun Baekhyun. With the nose that is so Byun Baekhyun. With the smile that is so Byun Baekhyun. That makes sense how the boy becomes so beautiful, doesn’t it?

He ruffles the boy’s dark curly hair and squats down so he is now in the same eye level to his first and only son, looking at him as if he is the only thing he has in this world. And that’s probably true.

“How is my good boy doing today?”

Hanbyul just smiles that bright smile, with his eyes narrowing into a pair of crescents. He puts his small fingers in the air, pressing his palms together and opens it wide, which Chanyeol understands as ‘big’ and then extends both of his index fingers above his head, raising and lowering each one alternatively.

_ I got a big star today for my drawing!!! _

“Oh, that’s Daddy’s son! Will you show Daddy what did you draw?”

Nodding excitedly, Hanbyul points at the paper heart on Chanyeol’s hand, who chuckles as a response.

“Ah, you make them into hearts again? Next time you can make your drawings into paper hearts and put them on the jar but not your 4 scores on Math test, okay? Don’t think Daddy won’t find out.”

Hanbyul pouts. He spreads his fingers, putting five of them across his chest, bending the middle finger and thumb then flicks it.

_ I don’t like Math. _

Though Chanyeol tries hard at the moment to appear strict, he can’t help but smile. “I know right? Me too,” he says, both using his voice and hands gesture by showing his palm with three of the middle fingers curl inside.

“Daddy has something for you anyway.”

_ What’s that?! What’s that?!  _ The questions come out strong, with Hanbyul clinging and shaking Chanyeol’s arms. Chanyeol always has to do his best not to give up easily on that boy’s whining. Because damn, he is so cute.

So, he puts on his best, unwavered expression and sniffs on the boy. “Have you taken a bath?”

Chanyeol sees his son shaking his head, making his mop of brown jiggles as he juts his pouty lips out.

“Go take a bath first, or Dad will be mad.”

For a moment, he looks as if he wants to protest, but an additional glare Chanyeol pulls off which scolds ‘take a bath now or I’ll drown you in the bathtub’ enough to send him running quickly to his room upstairs. And then, everything falls silent again except for the fading sound of his heels on the floor. Park Hanbyul… he legitimates Baekhyun’s speciality in hearing. Unlike Baekhyun, the baby cried, he could actually produce words. Only… he can’t hear. He doesn’t know how to speak when all he can hear is nothing. But, if anything, Chanyeol doesn’t bother. If anything, he feels thankful that he can see Baekhyun in every inch of Hanbyul.

That, at least heals a little of the regret that has been digging him too long.

Chanyeol walks to the kitchen where the aroma of coffee wafts through the air. How he wish it is Baekhyun there in the kitchen. How every day he keeps imagining so. That narrow and pretty shoulder, and then the brightest smile welcoming him home. Though, it’s not. They all are gone. Things Chanyeol took for granted.

“Chanyeol? You’re home.”

The old plump lady who was currently busy stirring sugar into the coffee flashes him a wide smile. “I made you coffee once I heard your car engine earlier.” 

“Oh, yeah... I could finish the work early so-” he smiles, eyes catching a piece of cream colour paper on the kitchen counter. “What is that?”

“Oh?” Mrs Kim puts Chanyeol’s cup of coffee in front of him, right beside the paper Chanyeol now snatches and starts to examine. There is no mistake that it is an invitation. Wedding invitation, seems so much like it.

“Sehun visited earlier. He said he wants to give it directly to you but you’re not home yet and he had a flight to catch.”

There it is, on the expensive-looking thick paper is written Oh Sehun’s name, just right above Kim Jongin. Kim Jongin, Chanyeol remembers, is a tanned skin model Sehun paired with for Elle magazine 2 years ago. They started dating two months later and now, they are already getting married in one month. Who can guess?

“Good for them.”

Chanyeol chuckles. He feels happy for Sehun. But there is a tug on his heart, a familiar pain he tried so hard to ignore these past six years. After Baekhyun’s death, he couldn’t bring himself to love Sehun as he thought he does anymore. Their relationship died down within six months, the relationship he mistook as his everything. And ever since then, Chanyeol just focuses on his son, his only son with Baekhyun.

Byun Baekhyun… Byun Baekhyun who he loves so much that it hurts to remember.

One sip of his coffee. A little bitter. Chanyeol doesn’t know why, he knows Mrs Kim did all her best to make the coffee the same taste as what Chanyeol wants, but it never the same. It will never be the same without Baekhyun.

“I’ll just go up first,” Chanyeol said, finishing his coffee just to be polite, plus Mrs Kim’s coffee is still better than other coffees out there. He picks up his ass and goes upstairs, passing through a row of pictures. There is baby Hanbyul, there is a picture of his father and mother and his parents in law, there is his wedding picture with Baekhyun… he stops there, smiling at the beautiful figure behind the big frame.

“Hey, I’m home,” he says, like a crazy person, caressing the glass frame with emotion under his fingertips.

When he checks into Hanbyul’s room, which is just right beside his, he can’t find the boy, not in the bathroom, not in the closet where he sometimes hides, not anywhere. He finds him in his own room, precisely, in the small room in the ceiling, Hanbyul’s favourite place.

“What are you doing here?” he greets as he approaches the boy, who turns to look at him after a tap on his shoulder. He meets eyes with Hanbyul’s confused one, and then shifts to the paper heart in his hand.

“Ah, Daddy has something for you!”

Feeling thankful he hasn’t forgotten to bring the paper bag with him, Chanyeol smiles proudly to himself, putting his white teeth on display for Hanbyul to see.

“Guess what?” he starts, but decides not to wait for an answer as he pulls something out of the bag. A book, a big one. A fairy tale stories book with pictures.  “New book! Open it! Bet you’ll love it!”

Without being asked twice, Hanbyul gleefully rips the plastic cover open and opens the book, page by page, with fascination on his face. Besides his father and the sight of nature, Hanbyul has an undying love for fairy tale books.

_ Thanks, Daddy! I love it. Will you read it for me? _

“Of course.”

Chanyeol puts the book on his lap where he opened the first page, lips smiling, hands in the air. And like that, he starts reading.

_ Once upon a time…  _ Chanyeol pulls his hand together onto one side, shoulder height with one higher than another while palms facing each other, he then moves them backwards in a circle, as if moving it to the past.

_ There was a little prince… _

A good half an hour passed with the story rolling like a movie, interrupted once awhile by the silent laughter they share, by Chanyeol tickling Hanbyul’s sensitive nape or waist, making him squirm on his father’s lap, or Hanbyul mimicking his father’s clumsy finger spells which usually makes the elder playfully glares.

By the time Chanyeol finished reading, Hanbyul is already half asleep leaning on Chanyeol’s chest.

“Are you sleeping?” Chanyeol whispers. “Let’s get you into bed then.”

Just like much other time before when Hanbyul falls asleep anywhere anytime, Chanyeol would be there to pick him up and tug him back to his bed. The tall male put one of his arms under Hanbyul’s knee and the other under his back when he notices the white paper heart slipped from the boy’s grip.

Hanbyul sleepily stirred in his half sleep and puts his index finger on his forehead then swings it forward, toward Chanyeol’s chest. _Dad, that is for you._

“Just sleep,” Chanyeol chuckles and ruffles the boy hair, who is now getting back to sit on his own and rubs the sleepiness off his eyes. Carefully, the much taller of the two takes the paper heart from the floor, undoes the folds before smoothing it down. A drawing, he finds, rubbing circle with his thumb to the colourful crayon made drawing. There is him, a tall figure with his suit, holding hands with the little Hanbyul. But what breaks his heart in an instant is another figure in the picture. In the middle of Chanyeol’s and Hanbyul’s height, with his blue sweater and brownish hair. Honey hair.

“H-how could…” his lips were shaking as his eyes widen at Hanbyul, looking at him in disbelief. It looks like Baekhyun. It looks so much like Baekhyun. And Hanbyul never met his other father nor does he has any picture of his parents to be looking at except for the framed one and crumpled one of their wedding picture. How could Hanbyul pictures Baekhyun so perfectly?

“How could he is… this is…”

Tugging his hand, Hanbyul stops all his effort of talking. The six years old boy smiles and dances his fingers.

_ You keep talking about him,  _ he says, spreading five fingers and touches his chin with the side of his index finger twice. Putting two fingers before his eyes and pulls them away, he points next to him then to both of his eyes, and then spreading five fingers and touches his chin twice again with his index. _And I see him in your eyes everytime you talk about Baekhyun appa._

Before Chanyeol could even realize, he sees a drop of water on the picture he is holding, then another and another. His eyes are burning and his cheeks wet. At that time, he can’t even do anything to avoid himself from choking on his own tears. He draws Hanbyul into his embrace, hugging him so tight it almost hurts.

When he pulls away, Hanbyul’s small fingers already find their way to wipe Chanyeol’s tears.

“Let’s visit Baekhyun Appa today, hm? Don’t you miss him too?”

An eager nod was the only answer Hanbyul gives, besides his wide smile. Chanyeol can’t help but raining kisses to his son’s face.

“Hanbyul,” he pulls away, petting the boy’s soft hair. “I will teach you three words. Important words you should never forget. The words you should not hold back for yourself. The words you should say everytime you feel it, remember?”

With crystal-like teardrops on his cheek, Chanyeol smiles. He puts up his pinky finger, pulling both his fists across his chest and points his index toward his son.

***

_ It was summer. Baekhyun was busy with his world; like the bunch of white and red roses, baby’s breathes and poppies he planted with his own hands, music he made in his own head that he sang with his body language, and warm fragrance of earth after rain, blooming flowers, and sunlight above his head when his father tapped him on the shoulder. Baekhyun turns around and gave him a frown, because seriously, it was Baekhyun and his garden time. His father knew it well, so why he bothered him? _

I am busy, Dad, _he deadpans, brushing his palm above his other back of hand angrily, with pouty lips of his on display._

_ His father just chuckled and ruffled Baekhyun’s hair.  “My best friend and his family are going to visit us today. So,” he takes Baekhyun’s gloved hands, full of mud and shook head in disapproval, “go take a bath and make yourself pretty. I heard Junki has a handsome son around your age.” _

_ And that’s how Baekhyun ended up wearing his favourite sky blue long sleeves, though it was summer and he felt hot already after five minutes wearing it. Thanks to his demanding mother. Who, once again being the culprit of why Baekhyun was there after shoving him down the stairs, standing in front of the door while the bell kept ringing. _

_ It must be his father’s best friend and his son, huh? Baekhyun shrugged nonchalantly. It wasn’t like he was anticipating them. He felt lonely most of the time, but he wasn’t bright either when it came to social skill. ’Almost careless, he pulled the door open and blinked.  _

_ For one second, there were so many things came into his mind. For once, he regretted being there, so simple and unprepared. He didn’t even put on lip balm for his suddenly dry lips! For once he felt his heart stopped beating for a millisecond before beating too fast against his ribcage. For once, he forgot it was summer and he felt like freezing in his spot.  _

_ For once, he didn’t know how to breathe normally. _

_ The boy on the doorstep was tall, lanky, with a smile that could take over the world on his face. Rich teeth he was! _

_ “Hello?” He said, all smiling and awkwardly shoving a red rose in front of Baekhyun. “I… I picked it from the garden. But I hope you like it?” _

_ It was his garden, his precious red rose, Baekhyun knew. But still, he took the flower shyly and let the blush crept upon his cheeks. _

_ “I’m Chanyeol, anyway,” the boy started again. This time, reaching his hand out for a shake. “Nice to meet you.” _

_ Baekhyun bowed and took him in the eyes. The most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. That moment, he knew he would never forget this. In that brief second, he knew, he was already falling in love. _

_ Smiling all the best smile he could afford, Baekhyun raised his pretty fingers in the air. He brushed one palm against his chest in circle mode, putting two index fingers up from his fisted hands and pointed at the handsome boy before him. _

I’m glad to meet you, Chanyeol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hate me for the ending, maybe you can enjoy the alternate universe, fluffy version of this books titled Paper Planes.  
> Thank you again for reading, either it's people from AFF or new reader [if any?]

**Author's Note:**

> Post-crossed from AFF in case anyone wants to save the file. Just in case.  
> Review, comments, kudos, are very much loved!


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